Drabbles and One Shots
by Garm88
Summary: This is just for the stuff that leaks out every once in a while.  Thoughts I have and story ideas that I come up with while reading other people's work.  Any of them are available for anyone to continue, just ask permission first.
1. This Is Not A Democracy

One Shots and Drabbles.

Disclaimer: I am making no profit from anything posted on

#1: This Is Not a Democracy.

Sarutobi Hiruzen looked around the chamber with a frown on his face, not even bothering to hide his disappointment in the situation. Not that anyone save the Shinobi clan heads and the ANBU ceremonial guard realized just _how _disappointed he was.

"And that is why, Hokage-sama, that we of this august body believe it would be in the Village's best interest for the container to be put down at our earliest convenience, so as not to take a risk in infecting or corrupting the rest of our wondrous Village. We are sorry that we had to outvote you on this, but you simply are not acting in Konoha's best interest."

The man's name was Kenji Gorou, it just so happened that he had never been a Shinobi. In fact, there had never been a Shinobi from this particular Kenji family, they had been merchants since before Konoha's founding, and it was likely that none of this man's descendants would join the Fire Nation's military elite, after seeing his attitude. The apple did not fall far from the tree, after all.

"And this council has voted unanimously on the subject, Kenji-san?" The Sandaime finally broke the silence that he had kept since calling the meeting to order.

"Hai, Hokage-sama, it was unanimous. No one abstained or voted against."

Hiruzen sighed; he didn't need this shit just a few days after Minato stuck him with the hat again. In fact, he was willing to bet that Minato had knocked him out on purpose, preventing Hiruzen from doing the sealing himself, just so he wouldn't have to deal with the crap that the merchant elite of Konoha came up with on a regular basis.

Standing up, the Third Hokage made a hand signal and there were ten sounds of steel meeting flesh, followed by ten thumps as heads hit the floor. Looking over at Inu he gave the order "Make it look like a bombing; we narrowly escaped by using Kawarimi just as the first tag ignited the chain and killed the fools."

Inu bowed to the departing Hokage and Shinobi clan heads "Hai Hokage-sama". His Lord had given him an order, all that was left was to carry it out.

"Oh and Kakashi," the old Hokage started, continuing when the Dog masked man stood at attention inquisitively "Naruto needs a baby sitter tomorrow, you get the day off to have fun with him, he'll be staying in ANBU headquarters from now until he's ready to be taken on the road with Jiraiya for training."

Inu just bowed, his smile hidden by the porcelain mask, though the God of Shinobi could see the happiness in his one visible eye.

Continuing on out the door, the Hokage started up a conversation with Hiashi concerning the firstborn he was expecting that year, and how his wife was doing. No one looked back, and no one was phased by the completely cold and almost mechanical killing of ten of the most wealthy and influential people in Konoha. It was a Ninja Village, it was not a Democracy. The moment they had tried to order the Hokage, they were already dead. Their bodies just hadn't caught up with the fact.

* * *

So, I wrote this because I'm sick and tired of seeing these "The Civies bully around the Hokage into doing bad shit to Naruto" beginnings that a lot of stories seem to take. A Hidden Village is not a democracy, they have no power.


	2. Naruto Gets A Blade

One Shots and Drabbles.

Disclaimer: I am making no profit from anything posted on

#2: Naruto Gets a Blade.

Naruto looked at his Buntaichō once more before glancing down at the lengths of steel that had been placed on the counter before him. There were three of them, two tantō and one chokutō.

"Naruto" his gaze jerked to the ANBU Captain again, their masks hanging around their necks "every member of ANBU carries at least one dedicated melee blade, Kunai, while originally not throwing weapons, have evolved to be such. As you know, there are some exceptions but generally Kunai are only used in melee as a last resort. You will carry these with you at all time while on duty, you will get extensive training in each of them, and you will choose which combination you like the best. As you know, Tora carries all three of them and is very versatile, while Tori carries only the chokutō and is extremely skilled with it. I on the other hand prefer just the tantō."

"Hai Buntaichō, I understand, but where's the Katana?"

He promptly regretted asking as his squad captain showed his displeasure in his favorite way, with a quick smack to the back of the head. Tora and Tori chuckled off to the side. They'd been hit plenty enough to know it was tough love.

"_Real_ Shinobi do not use Katana. The Katana is hard to conceal, it restricts your movement. The Katana is not designed as a stabbing weapon; you cannot wield a Katana in a cramped hallway nearly as effective as you could a chokutō or a pair of tantō, a Katana will get in the way while trying to infiltrate in cramped spaces. Ninja, at least Ninja that stay true to our heritage, and what we are supposed to do, do _not_ use the Katana."

Naruto tried, but the slight blush just would not go away, he hadn't gotten used to the lectures yet. _"To be fair, I haven't even been here two weeks."_ The blond thought, and with that the blush receded and he looked his superior in the eye, getting a nod of approval in return.

"Do not get me wrong Gama, the Katana is a good weapon, well designed and very effective at slashing, but it was not made with Shinobi in mind. None of these weapons were, in fact, they just suit our purposes better than any Katana would. The katana was made for Samurai, and Samurai use it very effectively. We are not Samurai. We infiltrate, we assassinate and we steal. We. Do. Not. Fight. Fair." A steely glint had entered the squad leader's eye, every ANBU recruit had to learn this eventually, the sooner the better in his opinion.

"If you aren't cheating, you aren't trying!" Tora chimed in from the side of the room, her cheery voice completely at odds with the fact that she had the most successful solo assassination missions on her record than anyone else in the ANBU.

"So, why aren't we taught this in the Academy? Hell, you could probably be a better teacher than most of the idiots that run that place, Iruka tries, but he's just one man."

"The curriculum is actually in the process of a major overhaul by order of the Godaime Hokage. Probably the only thing she and Elder Danzō ever agreed on, which is a good thing in my opinion, is that we coddle the children too much in their formative years." The bear masked man hurried on, seeing Naruto's forming anger "Not to the extent that Danzō does, believe me the last thing Hokage-sama wants are more of those shells that that fool produced, they're just going to get some tougher training than previous classes did."

Naruto was relieved by that, but he had to get back to the matter at hand. "So, I like the idea of being even more unpredictable, I'll probably use all three of these. Who's gonna to teach me?"

Seeing all three of their vicious grins Naruto both thanked and cursed the Kyuubi at the same time, this was going to be a long week.

* * *

I read way too many fics where Naruto gets a Katana, and it annoys the hell out of me. The Katana isn't a ninja weapon, in fact I'm not even sure why any ninja would want one, for the above stated reasons.

Also: I thought it was a nice change of pace for Naruto to have a different mask than Kitsune, and since he's the Toad Summoner and Sage, why not Gama?


	3. SS Ranked?  What the hell is that?

One Shots and Drabbles.

Disclaimer: I am making no profit from anything posted on

#3: SS-Ranked? What the hell is that?

"So Baa-chan, what kind of mission am I getting? Do I have to rescue a princess? Kill an evil crime lord? Stop a rebellion? I bet whatever it is its some sort of super SS-ranked secret though huh?"

She loved him, she really did, but the boy just needed to learn when to shut the hell up. The last part gave her pause though. "SS-ranked? What the hell is that?"

He was confused, bless his heart. "Well, it's the step above S-ranked, isn't it?"

She sighed, that was all she could do "Naruto, there _aren't _any ranks above "S", what kind of idiot gave you that idea?"

Naruto scrunched up his face, it was all she could do to pinch his cheeks and burry his face in her chest. The damn boy was too cute for his own good. "I don't know, for some reason it just seemed like there would be an SS-rank, you know?"

She sighed again. On further contemplation, she did that _way_ too often when the teen was involved. "Naruto, if there had even _been_ an SS-rank, you and your father would have earned it. S-rank Shinobi are so damn dangerous there's no reason for us to make an SS-rank, you can't get much scarier than "Flee on Sight" anyway, what would be the point?" She couldn't blame him; he wasn't all that far into his training to be Hokage yet, not to mention the fact that the village needed him active, it was slow going.

"Yea, I guess that makes sense. Hey Baa-chan, think we could go over this when I get back from wherever I'm going?" The hint wasn't very subtle, but then it wasn't meant to be.

Grinning, Tsunade handed him a scroll which he promptly unfurled. "You're going to Suna, officially it's so our allies in the sand can meet my heir, and unofficially it's so you and Gaara can catch up a bit. Who knows, you may end up escorting Temari back here as well." Her hint wasn't very subtle either, but again it wasn't meant to be. And the blush on his face was well worth it.

"S-sure Baa-chan, I'll see you in a week or so" he couldn't wait to get out of the office now.

"Yea, whatever gaki, scram."

* * *

Because there isn't an SS-Rank, SSS-Rank or any iteration of S-Rank with more than one "S" involved, unless you use "Class" instead of "Rank".


	4. Hate

One Shots and Drabbles.

Disclaimer: I am making no profit from anything posted on

#5: Hate.

Uchiha Sasuke was no stranger to hate. In fact someone saying that hate was the boy's oldest and dearest friend would not be all that far off, because it practically was. This coincidentally was also the reason that even if he did manage to kill Uzumaki Naruto at the Valley of the End, he would not have gained the Mangekyō Sharingan. He was just incapable of caring for any human being other than either himself or his brother enough to receive it.

But back on topic.

Uchiha Sasuke was no stranger to hate.

He hated his dead family for being weak enough so that one man, one _teenager_, no matter his lineage or skill level, could wipe them out single handedly.

He hated Itachi for the fact that he was the one that actually did said wiping out of above clan, not only betraying his family, but leaving Sasuke alive to wallow in his misery alone.

He hated Orochimaru, even though he ran away from Konoha to be trained by him, for even _daring_ to believe that he could manipulate and take him over.

He hated Hatake Kakashi for the fact that he didn't concentrate enough on his training, completely ignoring the fact that Kakashi spent almost all of his time, when not loafing around that is, training Sasuke to the complete neglect of his two other students.

He hated the Konoha council, and Danzo especially, for ordering his brother to betray his heritage, and deny the Uchiha their rightful place at the top of the Leaf Village.

But most of all, he hated Uzumaki Naruto. Not for what most people would think. Well, okay yes he hated him because he could have killed Sasuke at the Valley of the End but held back. Sasuke also did hate him for his continued dogging of his footsteps, and showing up at the most inopportune times over the years. But above all else, ahead of every other reason he had for hating on Uzumaki Naruto, he hated that, even for the shortest, most minute amount of time, Naruto had made Sasuke regret having the Sharingan.

To recap, it was after Naruto and Jiraiya of the Sannin had returned Senju Tsunade to the village as the Godaime Hokage, but before Sasuke's inevitable defection. He was training in one of the Uchiha compound's private training grounds when he heard the unmistakable sound of one of his teammate's approaching footsteps. By process of elimination, they were too heavy to be Sakura's but too light (and much too fast) to be Kakashi's, leaving the blond nuisance as the only viable option.

Sasuke had been training for the past two hours on trying to earn another tomoe in either of his eyes, being the last of the Uchiha, he had no one to turn to other than old family scrolls that left some questions unanswered (it didn't even occur to him to ask Kakashi), so he did the old fallback of training jutsu until he dropped.

Finally, after an hour, an _hour,_ of trying to get rid of him Naruto decided he'd had enough of the broody bastard and turned to leave. Sasuke, finally thinking he would get some peace and quiet, reactivated his Kekkei Genkai and turned to do a few more Katon jutsu before calling it a day when a shout from behind him caused him to turn back around. With his Sharingan active.

Seeing his blond teammate create twenty Kage Bunshin, ten on each side of him, and all twenty one of him drop trou at the same time would mentally scar him for life. Seeing the aforementioned action performed with his Sharingan active scarred his very _soul._ He had seen what could not be unseen, could not be forgotten and would haunt him for the rest of his life. Uzumaki Naruto had made Sasuke regret having the Sharingan, if even for the briefest moment in time, and that was unforgiveable.

Coincidentally it would be the next day that he had his confrontation with Naruto pitting his Chidori against Naruto's Rasengan. Also coincidentally, the above incident was one of the deciding factors in Sasuke leaving Konoha.

* * *

I had to write this, just because I could easily see Naruto doing it.


	5. The Demon Shark and the Fishcake: 1

One Shots and Drabbles.

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#4: The Demon Shark and the Fish Cake: Part One.

* * *

Hoshigaki Kisame was, contrary to popular belief, not in fact Bat Shit Crazy (yes, people actually spoke in capitals when discussing him), he just had a very, _very_ healthy appreciation for the concept of "Survival of the Fittest" when it came to his world view. So for him, stumbling across a very beaten and cut up Uzumaki Naruto in the back woods of Hi no Kuni was a bit of a surprise. Very beaten and cut up, yes, but more importantly, _alive __and healing_.

Now, the unconscious and barely sustaining body wasn't the shock, nor was the middle of bum-fuck nowhere placement, after all, what better place to stash a body than in the middle of nowhere? Especially in a middle of nowhere that it would never be found, what with it being devoured by wild animals and all. "_Probably the middle of the ocean_", he idly thought while stroking his chin. The surprise was that it was still breathing and not yet been devoured, even though it had obviously been there for a couple days already, if the lack of fresh tracks, dried blood and wear patterns on the ground from said body's unconscious movements were any indication.

Normally Kisame would glance at a beaten and cut up body and keep moving, for people, kids especially, in the sort of condition that the child on the ground was in would normally bleed out and die in a couple of hours. But this time gave him pause, using his keen deductive skills (read: Samehada sensed something weird about the boy's chakra and informed him of such) he took a closer look:

#1: Facial markings common with Jinchūriki? Check.

#2: Copious amounts of dried blood surrounding his unconscious form, excess of what even an adult body can contain? Check.

#3: Sinister Chakra moving through his system, concentrating on the areas with the worst damage? Check.

#4: Four years of age, coinciding nicely with the four years since the Kyuubi ravaged Konoha? Check.

#5: Almost as much Chakra as he himself possessed, even with his own monstrous reserves and even though the boy is only the tender age of four? Check.

#6: Wounds that, while healed, showed obvious traces of being much, _much_ bigger when they were first acquired? Check.

Kisame got a shark-like grin, showing off his equally shark-like teeth before letting out a deep, almost sinister laugh. _"Ladies and Gentleman, I believe Kisame-sama has found an apprentice."_ His reasoning? Anyone that could take this kind of punishment and not give in would make an amazing Shinobi.

Quickly picking up the still comatose boy and slinging him across a shoulder, Kisame picked up the pace. It wouldn't do to be caught in Konoha territory with the mauled and maimed form of their Jinchūriki now, would it? After all, he didn't want people to know he'd even been here, and leaving behind the dismembered bodies of Konoha ANBU or Oinin would be quite the giveaway that _something_ was wandering the backwoods, and that that something was a bit of a monster.

* * *

Kisame was bored. Sure he'd grabbed the brat and taken him out of country, he was currently residing in a hotel room in Tetsu no Kuni, but the little bastard had yet to wake up! Thus he was bored. Idly, he wondered what he was going to teach him, he'd definitely have to get him into contact with his resident demon, if he hadn't already with how long he's been out of it. Eventually he'd have to get him a sword, preferably a Zanbatō, since that was what he was most proficient in. Find out his elemental affinity. "_Oh the fun I could have if he turns out to be a water type_!" he thought with sadistic glee. Upon further reflection, with a name like Uzumaki it was completely possible.

Interrupted from his thoughts of torturing his new apprentice (Kisame wasn't one to operate under false pretenses if he didn't need too, after all) Kisame looked over at said apprentice as the child slapped a hand to his face, groaned and rubbed his eyes before blinking at the harsh light of the hotel room.

"Where am I now?"

"You're in Tetsu no Kuni, brat, and I hauled your ass here from the ass end of nowhere in Hi no Kuni after finding your fucked up body in the forest." While Kisame could be courteous and polite to contacts and clients, he was going to teach the kid to kill; he saw no reason to censor himself.

A whispered "fuck" was all he got in response, which prompted a happy grin to form on his face. His student was already swearing at the age of four, he'd hit the jackpot!

"Where'd you learn words like that, brat?" He figured he might as well start bonding with his new (and completely unaware of the fact) apprentice early.

"You mean beside from you just now?" Naruto asked, in a very nice sarcastic voice for a child his age, which prompted Kisame's grin to get wider "I lived in the red light district, nowhere else would let me live there, not even with Hokage-jiji paying."

"Still a bit of a foul mouth for a little brat like yourself."

"I'm almost five, you can go to hell."

Ah, so he was Kisame noticed, it was mid August. But the kid's response only caused him to start laughing.

"Alright kid, I like you. If you can, get up and we'll see about getting some food into you, you haven't eaten in three days plus however long you were lying in that forest."

As if on cue, Naruto's stomach let out a huge grumbling roar, the loudest yet since the start of their conversation.

"Think we could find us some ramen?"

Kisame wanted to say no, he really, _really_ did, but the kid _did_ just recover from a brutal beating that would have killed most other men. It had absolutely nothing to do with the kid being the cutest little bastard he'd ever seen. What? Kisame was _more_ than secure with his level of badassery that he didn't mind admitting that the brat was cute.

"Sure brat, let's find us some ramen, maybe I can get some shrimp flavor."

An hour later and Kisame was just beginning to appreciate how much money he spent on food. The kid devoured ramen almost at the rate that he could eat sushi. Shinobi with giant chakra reserves generally required more sustenance than Shinobi with more regular chakra levels, the fuel to generate that much energy didn't just come from the air and happy thoughts, after all. Though the fact that the brat managed to weasel a discount out of the lady behind the counter, just on his sheer cute factor alone impressed him greatly. Upon further contemplation, he would have to put that cute factor to great use in the future. He was _not_ above using his apprentice to get himself some tail, in fact it was right at his level, and he didn't even need to crouch down or anything.

"Alright kid, how are you feeling?" Kisame asked upon exiting the ramen bar.

"Pretty good, the fox in my stomach said he'd healed everything and that I'd be good to go as soon as I got some food in me."

Not at all surprised that he'd talked to his inner demon, what with being out for the better part of a week and all, Kisame nodded and beckoned the child to follow him. Stopping at what he thought was a safe distance from the small town Kisame turned around and, without fanfare or preamble, started Naruto's first lesson into Shinobi hood.

"Brat, you know what Shinobi are?"

Earning a nod from the blond, Kisame waved his hand for a verbal explanation. "Shinobi kill people for money."

"While a very crude and small minded explanation, it isn't surprising for someone of your age and situation to lack all that much knowledge on the topic, and before you get all huffy, that wasn't a dig at you." Naruto closed his mouth. "Now, Shinobi have for many generations been the main source of each of the major country's power base. Now to channel your Chakra, the energy that Shinobi use to power almost all of our techniques, you make this hand seal and then…"

* * *

Yea, a Naruto raised and trained by Kisame, because he's a bad ass. I'd love to see this done properly, by someone that has a keen grasp of the English Language and preferably has better keyboarding skills than a demented Orangutan. I'll probably post another one of these later today, a bit of a time skip and a recap of the shenanigans that Kisame gets Naruto into over a few years and some of the training he does. Don't ever expect extensive details on Naruto's training, like a training fluff chapter or something, because those are boring as all hell.

And _no_, this is **_not_** a yaoi/slash/dude on dude/bromance fic. I have absolutely no qualms with gay people, my current closest friend is a flaming homosexual, I'm just not into it and there is way, _way, **way**_ too much of that crap on already. Naruto will probably end up Haku or someone else outside of Konoha, if there even is a pairing. Remember, he was just beaten and abandoned by a Konoha Shinobi, the last thing he wants, his relationship with the Sandaime notwithstanding, is anything to do with Konoha, or a Hidden Village in general, though places like Kumo, Iwa and Suna are still viable, and maybe Kiri once the rebellion settles down. Basically anywhere but Konoha.


	6. Mob?  I don't see any mob

One Shots and Drabbles.

Disclaimer: I am making no profit from anything posted on

Mob? I don't see any mob.

* * *

Growing up in a military dictatorship had both its pros and cons.

Pro: The crime rates were insanely low. When the Hokage could decide to execute someone for whatever reason he wanted, the people generally didn't go out of their way to get on his bad side.

Con: The Hokage could decide to execute someone for whatever reason he wanted. While this had never been a problem before in Konoha, some Hidden Villages, Kiri being the most prevalent, had had Kage that went bat shit crazy and started ordering "cleansings".

Pro: Hidden villages, during the relative peace of cold war times, (there was _never_ not a war, secret or otherwise, going on somewhere) were very, _very_ safe places to live. When the law enforcement agency is a group of ninja that most members of which can kill someone seventy different ways with a paper clip, people tend to behave.

Con: Occasionally ninja snapped. It was a sad fact of life, and one that no one enjoyed, but it happened every once in a while. When ninja snapped, they tended to kill things, most of the time the people they targeted were fellow ninja, occasionally civilians were targeted, and unable to defend themselves. Whoever was gone after usually died fairly fast.

Pro: The ninja that snapped while in-village tended to die in exceedingly quick fashion, thanks to the aforementioned security force.

Con: During war time things could get very tense, and occasionally explode when, on rare occasion, an infiltrator got close enough to the village to plant a few explosive notes or other such sabotage.

Pro: During war time a Hidden Village was quite possibly one of the safest places to be, seeing as they are always the best defended strongholds of the various ninja armies. And seeing as how it is Ninja warfare in the first place, most civilians don't even realize that there is a war on at all.

What does this have to do with anything, you may ask?

It has everything to do with the childhood of one Uzumaki Naruto. While far from idyllic, Naruto's childhood was, contrary to popular belief, not an exceedingly harsh one. Yes, he was an extremely lonely boy. Yes, he never had many friends, it's not like you can _make_ kids play with you after all. Yes, not many people talked to him if they could avoid it, but he was never abused, physically or psychologically.

There was one time, just _one time_ that the villagers of Konoha decided to take things into their own hands and get rid of the child no one wanted. They thought they were discreet, they thought that no one knew of what they were planning; they _knew_ that when they succeeded they would be lauded as heroes.

They had no idea that three of their members were ANBU under cover.

They gathered their weapons, their torches (because no lynching is ever complete without torches) and the rope and headed out.

The next morning there were twenty heads on pikes lined up in front of the Hokage tower. The only thing that gave away what had happened to the vast majority of the Konoha populace was a sign that simply read "There is a special place in hell reserved for traitors". Everyone that was old enough to remember the declaration of the Third's Law knew what had happened, and the only thing they could tell their children was that those men knew the risks yet they acted anyway.

This was the first of only two domestic attempts on Uzumaki Naruto's life; the second was years later when his Academy teacher, Mizuki, attempted to kill him after he had stolen the Fūin no Sho from the Hokage's residence.

* * *

Yea, because I'm fucking sick and tired of seeing stories start with "Naruto gets chased by a lynch mob through the streets of Konoha but no one freaking notices until the very last minute". Its a joke, and an over used one at that. There is no way that a mob chasing a young boy through the streets would ever go unnoticed in a _Ninja_ village. And any ANBU that had seen it yet didn't act would probably be put to death due to dereliction of duty anyway, so don't even try and use that argument to justify it.


	7. Snake Whore?  Who's that?

One Shots and Drabbles.

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Snake Whore? Who's that?

* * *

The vast majority of civilians in Konohagakure, like many hidden villages, had absolutely no idea what happened in the social and military structure of the Ninja ranks, and if they'd ever found out they would have given _anything_ to have gone back to their ignorance. One thing they had heard of, however, is that Orochimaru had abandoned his home, they didn't know why, they didn't know how and they certainly didn't know the specifics of any of what went on. The vast majority of the civilians of Konoha had no freaking clue just who Mitarashi Anko was. In fact the only civilians who were even on first name basis with the girl were the Dango stand owners and a few shop keepers. Some of them knew who her Sensei was, but she didn't go rogue along with him, so they knew she was still loyal.

The Shinobi of Konoha were another matter. They knew exactly who Mitarashi Anko was; they knew most of what went on during Orochimaru's defection (excluding the classified parts). Ninja, after all, are gossip whores of the highest order. One thing they knew is that Mitarashi Anko was experimented on, and then thrown away by her late Sensei. No one hated her for it, she couldn't have known that Orochimaru was experimenting on children in the village, after all, if the Hokage had no idea what was going on, then a child not even out of puberty had no way of knowing what went on in the twisted Sannin's mind.

The point being, no one hated or resented Mitarashi Anko for being thrown away. No one spit on her. No one called her names, and certainly no one assaulted or harassed her. In fact the most prevalent emotions people felt towards the girl after her Sensei's defection were sympathy, which she would never accept, and support, which she knew she needed.

* * *

I just couldn't get this one out of my head. I wanted to do more with it, but it was just so short that I couldn't go much of anywhere. Honestly I never get it in fics where it seems that Civvies know exactly what happened when Orochimaru defected, and some how manage to find out the exact name and description of his apprentice, and _somehow_ get away with harassment of said apprentice. Its just an overused and stupid cliche.


	8. The Demon Shark and the Fishcake: 2

One Shots and Drabbles.

Disclaimer: I am making no profit from anything posted on

#6: The Demon Shark and the Fishcake: Part Two.

* * *

Five years. He'd been training the little brat for five years now. He couldn't believe how fast time went by, or just how damn good the kid was. Well, the last part was a lie, he could believe that. After all, _he_ was the one training Naruto, so he figured that his awesomeness was rubbing off on the kid. He'd lucked out though, it turns out Uzumaki wasn't just a name, but he had a strong affinity for water as well, extremely strong. In fact, the only person he'd heard of that had an affinity anywhere near as strong as the Kid's was the Nidaime Hokage, Senju Tobirama, it was _that_ strong. They'd almost missed his second affinity for wind techniques when he took the card test, the only reason they caught it was because Kisame insisted that he do it again to make sure that it wasn't a fluke.

So he'd trained him, and the kid was fan-fucking-tastic. He'd actually seen the boy draw the moisture from the skin of a Nin that they'd captured and been interrogating. Seeing your hand and wrist start to shrivel up and die right in front of your eyes is unsurprisingly good at loosening one's tongue. He'd trained him in the way of the sword, Zanbatō combat of course; it was the best kind in his humble opinion. He was, naturally, quite efficient in using the Mizu Bunshin no Jutsu and other techniques native to Kirigakure, quite proficient in Silent Killing and all that jazz, he knew what he wanted to train the kid to do. In fact, they were on their way to get him a permanent weapon at that very moment.

"So, who's this guy we're looking for again?" Naruto asked, looking up at his towering sensei. He wasn't short, dammit, the man was just freakishly tall.

Kisame grinned, showing off numerous pointy teeth. "His name is Momochi Zabuza, and we're going to kill him."

Naruto just grinned back. "Tell me about this sword I'm getting? Is it like Samehada and absorbs Chakra?"

"Hah! There's no other blade like Samehada kid, it's one of a kind! No, the sword we're getting you is called the Kubikiri Hōchō, it's a Zanbatō like Samehada is, it just isn't finished yet."

Naruto was incredulous. "Who the hell uses a sword that isn't even finished? That's like eating Ramen noodles before the broth and good bits are even added!"

Kisame just laughed again, it all came back to Ramen with this kid. "The kind of idiot that tries to assassinate the Mizukage without waiting for his blade to be finished, that's who!" He didn't miss Naruto's mumbled "what a dumb ass". He didn't disagree with it either; Zabuza _was _a dumb ass to do something that stupid. He'd ruined it for the rest of the KirinoShinobigatanaNananinShū as well, after that idiot's premature assault on the Mizukage the rest of them were _all_ suspected of treason. Any of them wouldn't have minded sticking a knife in between the Yondaime Mizukage's ribs. Maybe a knife or six, he _was_ a Jinchūriki after all.

"How did such an idiot get into the Seven Swordsmen then?"

"You don't have to be smart to become a member; you just have to be _good_." Naruto knew Kisame's definition of good was A or S-ranked, so the guy wouldn't be a push over. "Anyway, he's not an idiot really, Zabu-chan has just always been pretty impulsive, from what I understand he saw what he thought of as the perfect moment to strike and took it, he just never really factored in that he wasn't quite up to a Kage's level yet. Probably still isn't."

"Why's that?"

"Unless you're like me, and strong enough that if a couple of Oi-nin squads show up you can just laugh it off while you kill them, Nuke-nin don't really progress in strength much."

That made sense to Naruto; they'd had some Mist hunters stumble across them over the years. In fact his first taste of actual combat was at the age of seven, when Kisame was sure he wasn't going to get his ass killed as soon as he got involved. An Oi-nin team, three men and a fourth as back up, had stumbled across Kisame training him in Suiton Jutsu near a lake. The unfortunate hunters hadn't even realized who they were fighting before the three contact Nin were dead and the fourth was in a choke hold. Given the choice between dying instantly or fighting Kisame's apprentice, and being let live if he won, he chose the lesser evil (or so he thought) and launched a Suiryūdan no Jutsu at the small blond child in front of him, deciding to end it quickly and not make the boy suffer. He was understandably shocked when said Water Dragon promptly about faced and broke his spine on a rock formation. Naruto didn't hold that incident against Kisame, that's just how he trained. If Naruto couldn't bring himself kill, he wasn't worth training to do so.

"So, where is this Zabuza guy anyway?"

"Tori no Kuni at the moment, and before you ask, yes he is there. I made sure this time, hired him through an intermediary to attend a meeting between the clients, us, and the muscle, him. He won't know what hit him." Kisame's grin, if possible, became even more shark like.

"So this isn't going to be like that crap in Kaminari no Kuni, then?"

Kisame looked down at the cheeky face smiling up at him and promptly gave in to the urge to smack his apprentice. While Naruto was busy picking himself up off of the ground Kisame kept walking and said; "I told you not to bring that up again Chibi!"

Around a year and a half ago Kisame had been contracted by a politician in the Land of Lightning to take out a rival for some position or other, he'd given Kisame the man's position, but was apparently out of date on the other man's business dealings. Kisame ended up wiping out everyone in the man's country manor before finding out that the lord of the house had been called away for an urgent meeting a few days prior. Needless to say the client had died mysteriously for wasting his damn time, which was Naruto's first solo assassination run. He had to say he was proud of the little brat for that bit of subterfuge; no one even connected it to an assassination. Naruto had used a poison that mimicked the effects of a burst ulcer, completely understandable in the man's line of work.

"Come on brat, we need to get there in three days if we want to make the meeting deadline." Kisame took to the trees, setting a brutal pace that Naruto had to struggle to keep up with. He didn't complain though, it was good training.

That was another thing Kisame liked about the brat, he didn't complain about having to work hard.

* * *

Here's the next installment of "The Demon Shark and the Fishcake". Not as long as the last one but its not a chaptered fic either, so I regret nothing in that part. Again, if anyone wants to take this up and do the idea justice just contact me through a PM and we'll discuss it, I have a vague idea of which way this story is going to go and I'd love to see it taken that way by a more competent and dedicated writer.

Oh yes, Naruto is the same age as Itachi in this fic, so he's around age 17-18 in part one instead of 12-13 like in cannon.


	9. Sarutobi Hiruzen

Drabbles and One Shots.

Disclaimer: I own none of the IPs represented in this collection of ramblings. If I did, they would be much more interesting and I wouldn't be attending school.

#9: Sarutobi Hiruzen.

* * *

Many retired Nin, and there were a surprisingly large number of war veterans from the first and second great wars, would all agree on one thing; Sarutobi Hiruzen was the scariest mother fucker that the Hidden Village system had ever produced. Now many people (civilians or ninja that don't know better) when told this that had already met the Sandaime Hokage would be forced to ask, "but he was so nice, how could such a gentle old man be so scary?" the answer would have to be: he wanted you to see a gentle old man. This however, isn't to say that Hiruzen could not be nice, he was, like his two predecessors before him, a very benign person at heart, he had just grown up to be a true, able to switch between "Kami no Shinobi" and the gentle caring leader of the Leaf that he was. Instantly.

All the Nin under Saru-jiji's (as he was affectionately known amongst his Shinobi forces, but never to his face (except for by one Uzumaki Naruto, but the kid always did have balls of titanium)) knew this fact, and were rightfully utterly terrified of him whenever he "Went Professor". Any nin that had seen him execute a POW in the field without even flinching because the Leaf forces and their allies just didn't have time to deal with them would agree with these facts. Anyone that can console a man at his family's funeral, after ordering the execution of said family, would genuinely scare the shit out of his subordinates.

The fact that, in almost all timelines, Orochimaru summons two Kage from the afterlife, then making said Kage invincible before he would even initiate combat with his old teacher, and even coming out worse than he went in, would be enough to drive this home. Orochimaru, who was still more or less in his prime thanks to his body switch technique, would not fight his sixty nine year old teacher unless he had the power of two invincible Kage level Shinobi backing him up, and even then he took what could easily be considered a loss.

As stated before, Sarutobi Hiruzen is quite possibly the scariest mother fucker that the Hidden Village system has ever produced.

But how is this relevant, you may be asking?

When his heir Namikaze Minato had informed him of his wife's pregnancy, the man had been overjoyed. Hiruzen had seen much death in his life, any news of life coming into it genuinely warmed his heart. The fact that he saw Minato as a third son was just icing on the cake, neither of his own had had children yet, though his eldest was courting a nice girl from a little village not too far from Konoha, so there was possibility there. But back to the imminent arrival of Naruto. Like Jiraiya he couldn't wait for the little bundle of joy to come into the world, and all through Kushina's pregnancy he and his wife, Biwako, would constantly dote on the flustered mother-to-be, the fact that Kushina was anything but maternal before her pregnancy was just an added layer of amusement to the elder couple, and seeing her panic about changing a diaper was reward in and of itself.

Then Uchiha Madara came.

When the dust settled the Kami no Shinobi was back in the big seat, his wife was recovering from an attempt on her life by a mysterious Nin, a sleeping blonde baby was in a bassinet next to his desk and a had a village to oversee and rebuild. Cursing that blonde bastard that knocked him out yet again he sighed and started signing more papers. Looking over at the child sleeping peacefully, he couldn't help but smile at all of the potential packed into such a small package; Naruto was worth executing the Civilian council over. When it came down to it, the jinchūriki son of two of the best Nin to ever serve the Hidden Leaf was worth a hundred thousand doddering old councilmen, he elegantly ignored the dig at their age, _he_ was still useful after all. Sarutobi had no doubt that Naruto would be the best Shinobi that the Leaf had ever produced, past present and future.

Looking up as his wife walked in, now with the assistance of a cane to his sorrow, he smiled deeply showing off smile lines that people would not expect to see in such a venerable Shinobi. Her two visible ANBU escorts folded into position on opposite sides of the room with practiced precision. Sarutobi was glad to see this, even after such an unmitigated disaster his Elite were still performing at a professional level.

"Biwako-chan, you're out of the hospital already?"

"Hai Hiruzen-Kun. Tsunade-chan did her usual excellent job when it came to healing" Biwako returned his smile, before walking over and picking up Naruto from his cradle, causing the baby to open his eyes and yawn, his still red blotched cheeks stretching in a tiny yawn.

"How do you feel about the plans I've thought up for little Naru-chan?" Hiruzen asked.

Biwako took a seat on the couch on one wall of the office and smiled down at the little bundle in her arms, before offering her finger to grip "He's strong" she told him, ignoring the question for the moment.

"He will be the strongest the Leaf as ever produced, Biwako-chan. He will have to be."

Sighing sadly, his wife kept playing with the child while mulling over his question. "You will make him strong, Hiruzen-kun, like your Sensei before you and Jiraiya-chan after you and Minato-chan after hm. He has an amazing legacy to live up to in the Uzumaki and Namikaze clans, but if anyone can do it, it will be this child, his parents coming together was almost manifest destiny." Here she paused for breath and to gather her thoughts. "Minato-chan was the illegitimate great-grandchild of the Nidaime Hokage, the dirty womanizing pervert that he was. Kushina-chan was an Uzumaki, there's nothing else to say about her, her pedigree speaks for itself. With his father's natural talent in all Shinobi arts, and the Uzumaki's almost preternatural ability in Fuinjutsu, there will be nothing that this child will not be able to accomplish. Add in the KyūbinoYōko and the unprecedented sealing procedure, he's getting constant Chakra strengthening exercises, his Chakra pool will be enormous by the time he graduates the Academy."

Hiruzen smiled at his wife's succinct and, more importantly, correct evaluation of Naruto-chan's situation. "He will be the greatest Shinobi since the RikudōSennin, most likely even better given all of the advancements in technique and training since his day." Hiruzen paused for thought, letting his schemes within schemes and plots within plots percolate for a bit while he signed some papers. "You have no problem with him staying with the ANBU until he's old enough to be trained?"

Biwako sighed and absently stroked the little tuft of blonde hair on the top of Naruto's head, looking up she met her husband's gaze unflinchingly, something all the ANBU in the room, visible or not, admired her for. "He will be well protected there, I have no problem with it as long as he isn't locked away in solitude and is allowed interaction with children his own age, Naru-chan is going to need friends." Her voice brooked no argument, but Hiruzen had never planned on doing that anyway.

"I would never lower myself to be like Danzō, Biwako-chan, you have nothing to fear on that front" Hiruzen told her with a gentle smile. "The minute I start stripping children of emotions is the minute my ANBU operatives have permission to assassinate me." He ignored the uncomfortable shifting of said ANBU operatives off to the sides of the room and in hidden corners, the fact that they even moved showed just how much the thought distressed them. They might be scared shitless of the Sandaime, but every Ninja in his force; from the most powerful Jōnin on down to the lowliest Genin all had a special place in their hearts for the Sandaime Hokage. Excepting the inevitable spies and traitors, naturally.

"Oh, by the way" he started to say before pausing and making a sharp hand signal, causing one of his messengers to show himself in a kneeling position next to his chair "go tell Ryu to activate the Root spies, there were some children that disappeared recently from the orphanages, and they all matched the criteria for the former Root program. If Danzō is starting up again, I want to know every single detail about his life, even when he takes a piss, and if need be stick a Kunai in him when he oversteps his bounds." The messenger nodded sharply before vanishing in a burst Shunshin no Jutsu, using the window that was perpetually open just for this purpose.

"Will you be willing to kill him?" Biwako asked softly.

"If he starts acting outside of my purview like he was about to before Root was decommissioned I won't hesitate, you know that Biwako-chan" Hiruzen told her. The Professor was coming out to play for a bit, apparently. "You should know by now that if anyone acts against the Hokage maliciously they have to die, there is no exception."

Biwako just nodded sadly, she loved her husband with all her heart, but the fact that he sometimes had to be such a hard man saddened her greatly. "He was your friend once, will you be able to live with yourself if you have him terminated?" she asked gently.

For a moment, Sarutobi Hiruzen looked every second of his fifty seven years. "I've already had to live with executing friends, Biwako-koi, if you're with me I think I can live with it still" he rubbed his eyes tiredly and started to tamp down tobacco into his pipe. "Besides, what would Kushina do if Danzō even thought about putting one of his seals on Naruto-chan?"

"She would probably break it in four minutes, call Danzō an amateurish fool and then have Minato kill him" Biwako responded with a fond smile. Her smile quickly turned into a frown as Naruto made a pleased cooing sound that was promptly followed by a foul stench starting to permeate the office. "Though on the other hand having him hold onto Naruto-chan for a few years wouldn't be such a bad thing, at least until he is potty trained."

Hiruzen's laughter followed her out of the office and all the way to the bathroom down the hall. As she was changing the child she vowed that the next time he did that in her husband's office and she was present she'd change him on the damn desk, and see how much he was laughing after that.

* * *

I had to get this off of my chest because, frankly, I think Sarutobi is one of the most underrated characters in the whole Narutoverse. He's also at the top of my badassery scale for Naruto characters, I mean shit, at the age of sixty nine he managed to fight off Orochimaru and the Shodaime and Nidaime Hokage until he ended the fight on his own terms, that's a win in my book. Think of how freakishly scary he would be in his prime. There's a reason he was nicknamed Kami no Shinobi.


	10. The Demon Shark and the Fishcake: 3

Drabbles and One Shots

Disclaimer: I own none of the IPs represented in this collection of ramblings. If I did, they would be much more interesting and I wouldn't be attending school.

#10: The Demon Shark and the Fish Cake: 3

* * *

Naruto looked up at his sensei/father figure; that thought momentarily caused him to pause and almost crack up laughing. No one with even half of their sanity intact would ever think of Kisame as even close to being responsible enough to raise a child. They would mostly be right, of course, if Kisame weren't raising said child to be one of the most successful killers on the planet. He paused for a second to get his thoughts in order before expressing himself, "So, this is boring" and was promptly propelled forward by Kisame's "Educational Palm Technique", as the man called it.

"Brat, Zabuza may not be on my level" here Kisame had to pause and laugh, shaking his head at the thought "but he _is_ a professional, he'll check out the surroundings for ambushes and hidden Shinobi before he even enters the building." A slight, very, very slight scuffing noise from outside the room made them both grin, Kisame shark-like and Naruto a foxy grin that looked _much_ more predatory than playful.

Through the door came a man almost as tall as Kisame himself, with the lower half of his face wrapped in bandages, as soon as he saw Kisame standing there he froze. "Kisame, what the hell is the meaning of this?"

He was good at hiding his emotions, Naruto thought, but he was pretty adept at picking out when people were really terrified of what was going on around them even if they were trying to hide it, a trait he picked up from spending so long with Kisame. He tended to scare the shit out of people that knew who he was.

"Zabu-chan, I thought it would be pretty obvious. Members of the Kiri no Shinobigatana Nananin Shū don't seek each other out for many reasons, after all. Especially members that have students" Kisame finished, relishing the moment Zabuza registered Naruto's presence and realized why Kisame had sought him out.

"So, the time's finally come, has it? Very well then, I just have one request should you win our bout."

"Name it."

"You aren't the only one that's picked up an apprentice over the years" Zabuza said, swinging the door open fully to show a black haired child Naruto's age had been standing behind it in a ready stance, Kisame noted this fact with approval.

"Very well, I'll finish her training."

"Ano, Kisame-sama, I'm male" the child responded with little hesitance but an overly polite tone. Naruto knew this tone well; it was an indication of someone that didn't want to be struck down on a whim. This didn't stop Naruto or Kisame from looking at him in shock, however.

"Are you sure? Maybe you're half and half" Kisame asked bluntly, making the child blush spectacularly at the insinuation.

"Yes I'm sure!" the child yelled, before clapping his hands over his mouth in shock.

"Well" Naruto started to break the following awkward silence "let's get this death match on a roll so I can get my new sword and start training!"

Zabuza glowered at him but did an abrupt about face, marching out of the building like a man on the way to the gallows. Which thinking further on the situation was pretty damn accurate.

* * *

Naruto and Haku sat in a ramen stand in town waiting on news of which of their respective sensei would be taking over the other's training.

"So, how did you end up with Zabuza?"

"Zabuza-sama took me in when I was homeless and raised me; I am a survivor of the civil war in Kiri that's going on right now, the Blood Line purges. He found me after I had just killed my father, who was attempting to kill me for having a Kekki Genkai."

"That's pretty fucked up" Naruto stated succinctly while motioning for another bowl of ramen, not noticing Haku's blush at his language. "So, what's your Kekki Genkai?"

"Ano, I have the ability to combine water and wind to create Hyōton techniques."

"Really? That's awesome, my affinities are for water and wind maybe I can do that too!"

"Ah, sorry Naruto-san, but it's apparently been tried before, apparently there is something special about my family, only we are able to do this."

"Man" Naruto whined "that sucks. I don't have any cool superpowers or anything except having a demon sealed inside of me" he dove into his next bowl of ramen, completely ignoring Haku's wide eyed disbelieving look. "So, what was Zabuza training you to do? Kisame's training me to kill people." No one ever said the boy was subtle.

"Ah, uhm, Zabuza-sama is teaching me to do whatever it he needs me to do; if he tells me to do something I'll do it."

"Well, yea I know that, but what specifically is he teaching you?"

"Besides basic taijutsu I'm really only learning more control over my bloodline at the moment."

"Oh, alright that's cool."

* * *

"So, you found a brat of your own, did you?" Kisame smirked at Zabuza, who stood across from him in the forest clearing.

"Haku is pretty much the perfect tool for me, unknown, strong and most importantly, utterly devoted."

"Hah! You haven't changed all that much, have you Zabu-chan? I gotta admit, I never expected you to stay for too long after I left anyway."

"Oh? And why do you say that, Shark boy?"

Kisame just grinned widely at the man across from him, "You never could stand being told what to do."

Zabuza grunted in acknowledgement at that fact before narrowing his eyes. "Can we just get this started? If I'm going to die today I'd rather it be sooner than later."

Kisame chuckled as he unlimbered his sword and dashed forward "Not even a little warm up before you pass on, Zabu-can? I guess the least I can grant you is a quick death."

Blocking Kisame's swing Zabuza didn't say a thing; he only retaliated with a sweeping and chopping combo of his own, the repeated clangs of Kubikiribōchō clashing against an unwrapped Samehada echoed through the forest that was their chosen battleground.

Zabuza cursed, for a split second he'd taken his eyes off of Kisame when Kubikiribōchō had, for a brief moment, gotten stuck in the trunk of a tree. Snapping off a set of one handed seals he summoned the signature mist of Kirigakure no Jutsu. He knew it wouldn't give him an advantage in this situation, but on the flip side it wouldn't give _Kisame_ an advantage either.

A laugh echoed through the forest "Really Zabu-chan, you're going to try Sairento Kiringu on _me_?"

Zabuza vanished and responded in an equally empty, resonant tone "You'll never know if something will work unless you try it, Shark boy."

"Hahaha, very well Zabu-chan, say them with me now. "

"Throat-"

"Brain-"

"Heart-"

"Kidneys-"

"Carotid-"

"Spine-"

"Liver-"

"And lungs" Kisame finished from directly behind him. Zabuza tried to turn around but a spike of unreal killer intent froze him in place for a fraction of a second. The next thing he knew he was looking down at twin Kunai sprouting from the front of his chest, directly through both lungs.

Zabuza coughed, his mouth wrappings immediately staining an extremely deep red, signifying extensive internal injuries. Hacking, he weakly turned his head to Kisame "Look after the kid, alright? He may be a tool, but he's a good kid."

"I may be a Nukenin, Zabuza-kun, but I'm a man of my word, I'll look after him."

Zabuza nodded faintly barely managing to whisper out "thanks" before he expired.

Kisame stared down at the dead man before him, he wasn't going to take the head for the bounty, and the Mizukage that Zabuza rebelled against was a sick bastard that deserved a good beheading anyway. Shrugging to himself he started forming the hand signs to the only fire technique he knew, one Karyū Endan later and the only thing that remained of Momochi Zabuza were the little bits of skeletal structure that weren't burnt away in the intense flames. Kisame may not have been a sentimental man, but some bonds of brotherhood could withstand a little bit of casual fratricide.

Pulling Kubikiribōchō out from the ground where he'd put it, he set off back towards town. He knew that if he didn't return fast enough that little cretin he called an apprentice would go bankrupt on ramen alone.

* * *

"It was a complete fiasco! We'd planned on a loud assassination to begin with, since it was supposed to be a bit of a statement anyway, y'know? So we get there, there's a man and a woman sleeping in the bed so we plant the tags an' hightail it out of there before they blow, right? So the next week we're waiting for the newspaper to run a story and confirm the death of the Lord and Lady and when the article finally comes we got the Lady but the woman had been cheating on her husband the whole time! So now we had to track the dude down just to get paid. Don't even let me get started on what a pain _that_ was!"

Haku was just sitting off to the side wide-eyed. Zabuza hadn't had him kill anyone yet, he didn't think he was quite ready, but Naruto had apparently been "going to work" with Kisame since he was seven years old! He was barely eleven!

"Hey kids! Did you miss Kisame-Ojisan? Don't bother asking, I know you did. Hey Ji-san, could I get a sea food special? Thanks" Kisame fired off quickly, slamming Kubikiribōchō blade first into the ground next to Naruto's stool, who promptly got hearts in his eyes while examining his new implement of steel edged destruction.

"Ano, Kisame-sama, does this mean that Zabuza-sama is dead?" Haku asked hesitantly, as if afraid of the answer. Given how he'd grown up so far, Kisame considered, he probably was.

"Yea he's gone kid, don't worry though, he went out fighting a strong opponent. A member of the Kiri no Shinobigatana Shichinin Shū couldn't ask for more."

"So, am I going to be traveling with you and Naruto-kun from now on?"

"Hell yea you can come with us!" Naruto yelled off to the side. "You're awesome Haku-chan!" He diplomatically ignored the eye twitch that came with the –chan on the end of Haku's name, internally smirking.

"You're lucky that Zabuza and I had already made an agreement to take care of each other's apprentices before our little fight, brat, or I'd have to give you remedial training after that" Kisame smirked as Naruto suddenly paled and quickly sat forward in his stool, eating with manners that had hereunto been unheard of for the blonde Maelstrom, in Haku's experience.

Haku watched the camaraderie between master and apprentice that the two seemed to share, and had to stifle a laugh because as soon as Kisame turned his full attention to the sea food deluxe ramen that arrived in front of him, Naruto stuck out his tongue and flipped the bird. Faster than Haku's eyes could follow Naruto's tongue was trapped between Kisame's forefinger and thumb while he glared at Naruto out of the corner of his eye.

"You want me to rip that out, Fishcake?"

Getting away after a yelp of pain, Naruto glowered back "it would just grow back; you overgrown piece of Sushi, save yourself the effort."

"Yes, it would, but Haku-chan and I would have blessed silence in the week it took to do so."

"Please, you'd be bored out of your mind in twenty minutes with only polite little Haku-chan for company."

This continued on for a while, each of them slowly working through a few more bowls of ramen before Haku finally realized that yes, while they were verbally sparring, they were also making fun of him as much as possible during their conversation. His eye twitched again, and for some reason fervently wished that he'd died in Zabuza's place.

"Damn you brat! It's a wonder that I even keep you around!"

"Oh please, I wake up every day and wonder why you haven't been chopped apart at the local fish market yet!"

All conversation between the three stopped dead when a strong voice behind them spoke up.

"And I'm wondering what a Nukenin from Kirigakure no Sato is doing with the Jinchūriki from Konohagakure no Sato."

Samehada was immediately in Kisame's hand and he was out of his stool facing the origination of the voice faster than it took Haku to blink. A second later he registered that Kubikiribōchō had disappeared in a puff of smoke and Naruto was out of sight.

Haku finally turned around. Behind them standing in a very subtle ready stance was a man that Zabuza had spoken of with something almost resembling respect. Tall and well built with red markings on his cheeks and spiky white hair tied back in a pony tail with two bangs framing his face. Green Shinobi cloth and mesh armor clothing covered by a red sage coat and topped off with a large scroll tied to his back and a forehead protector with horns and the Kanji for "oil" on it.

"Jiraiya no Sanin" Kisame said in a very good imitation of nonchalance, "what brings you to these parts?"

* * *

Alright, here's the third part of The Demon Shark and the Fishcake, frankly I thought the ending would add a nice twist, and it may or may not turn out how you think so don't go speculating about anything. Also: yes I am aware that the Kubikiri already has a special ability, frankly I think its fucking stupid. Do you have _any_ idea just how many people you would have to kill to get enough iron to repair a sword? Thousands. And yea, I screwed up the order of Kisame and Zabuza leaving Kiri, but really I don't think I can be bothered to go fix it in the earlier installment unless I start to take this fic more seriously.

Anyway, read, review and tell me what you think. I know more people have put this little dumping ground on alert than have reviewed it, you dirty bastards, so just give me some feedback, I won't hold back writing just because I don't get reviews like some punks on this site, but I like to know what people think.


	11. Kiba's Lament

Drabbles and One Shots

Disclaimer: I own none of the IPs represented in this collection of ramblings. If I did, they would be much more interesting and I wouldn't be attending school.

#11: Kiba's Lament. Or: The Morning After.

* * *

For one nineteen year old Inuzuka Kiba, life was good. He was a freshly minted Jōnin; he had a girlfriend in Hyūga Hinata, he was a rising star in the Oinin division, every day he grew closer to his Ninken companion, Akamaru. As he walked up the stairs and down the hall to his bedroom, past the strangely quiet room his sister inhabited, he let out a monstrous yawn and breathed deeply through his nose. In his exhaustion fogged mind he registered a smell that, while very familiar, was also foreign to his home environment. Shrugging it off for tomorrow, since it didn't spark off any hostile alarms in his brain, he quickly stripped down to his boxers and flopped onto his bed, barely having the energy to pull the covers up over himself before he'd fallen asleep.

* * *

Kiba walked out of his room wearing just sweat pants and a shirt, scratching himself as he headed down the hall he took his customary deep sniff of the morning, to see what was being prepared for breakfast. Letting the air out of his lungs, he again registered the strange scent from the night before, but shrugged it off again, if it didn't register as a threat he could figure it out in his own time.

Coming off of the top step down into the combination dining area/kitchen, he first made a beeline to the kitchen, to see how far along the miso soup, rice and fish was before taking his customary spot at the table. After being chased out of the kitchen by an irate Tsume, again a habitual occurrence, he stopped dead when he registered just _what_ scent he'd been catching all morning and last night was. Sitting at his kitchen table in nothing more than a pair of shorts, his wiry muscled frame on display was one Uzumaki Naruto, resident Jinchūriki, Gama Sennin, Jōnin, and number one in line for the title of Hokage.

Now, Kiba was used to seeing Naruto, in fact he was surprised at himself that it took him this long just to identify the other young man's scent, what he was not used to seeing was an Uzumaki Naruto sitting at his kitchen table. With his sister. With his sister snuggling up to said Jinchūriki's side, his arm wrapped around her waist and them playing what could only be called footsies under the table.

Naruto looked up and noticed his former classmate standing right in front of him in what could only be described as mild shock. He decided to be discreet.

"Yo Kiba! How'd you sleep last night man? Did my silencing seals work out right?"

This snapped Kiba out of his stupor. "S-s-s-silencing seals?"

"Yea, Hana-chan is a bit of a screamer so when we started out your mom interrupted us and made me put sound barrier seals up around Hana's room, said she didn't want to be kept up during the night by her daughter's screaming orgasms."

"Yea, it's the curse of the Inuzuka women to be loud in bed" his mom, in his opinion, unnecessarily commented as she walked in holding a big tray of food which she deposited on the table.

Kiba was still frozen in place.

Hana spoke up this time, "To be fair, those seals would have been completely unnecessary if you weren't so good with that Zanbato you're packing."

Naruto snorted at this, "Please, I love you to death Hana-chan, I really do, but you Inuzuka are just vain enough that you would never get romantically involved with anyone that couldn't make you howl."

Completely unabashed both Tsume and Hana thought for a second before nodding and making agreeable noise as all three at the table loaded up their plates.

"Say" Naruto spoke up as if something suddenly occurred to him "does that mean that Hinata is the dominant one in your relationship, Kiba?"

Snorting at the thought of cute, polite, shy Hinata in a dominatrix outfit both Tsume and Hana had to work at not spitting out the Miso soup they were eating.

Kiba, meanwhile, was wondering if committing seppuku at the breakfast table would be considered rude. He was interrupted from his internal musings by his mother telling him to sit down and eat while there was still food on the table. Gingerly complying he tried to avoid looking at his sister and mom, instead focusing on the intruder.

"So…how long have you two been" swallowing back the bile that threatened to rise in his throat, he soldiered on "sleeping together?"

"Well" Hana started "we've actually been friends since you two were kids."

"What? How is that possible? I've never even seen him around the compound at all!"

Tsume sighed "Kiba, honestly, you were quite possibly the most unobservant little brat in the world back then." Ignoring his indignant squawk, Tsume pressed on "he's been friends with almost all of the big clan's since he was a child, it didn't hurt that he was the cutest little urchin anyone had ever met" she finished with a fond look at Naruto that had him beaming a smile back at her.

"Anyway, three years with the world's biggest pervert gave me a lot more appreciation for the healthy female body, and boy is Hana's healthy, so when we got a currier mission together I just asked her out when we got back. Never regretted it once" this statement got him a kiss on the cheek from a grinning Hana.

"And that little bitch hasn't stopped bragging about him since the first time they did the deed" his mom stated, glowering at her daughter who only shot a smug smile back before starting in on her grilled fish.

Kiba looked contemplatively at his chopsticks, wondering if they were sharp enough to complete the slicing motions he would need to kill himself. Giving it up as a bad job he just sighed and started to eat.

"But she's like, _way_ older than you, how could you have anything in common?" Kiba asked, and a millisecond later realized what he'd said as a spike of _extremely_ concentrated killer intent washed over him from his sister's seat.

"What was that!"

Kiba cowered low in his seat, babbling out apologies as fast as he could form them. The killing intent slowly died down enough for him to poke his head back above the table to see Naruto rubbing her shoulders and whispering something in her ear. By the slightly lecherous grin on her face he knew he didn't want to know what was being said.

Calmed down enough to address her brother without some of the more vicious things she could do to him flashing through her mind Hana started talking between bites. "Really Kiba, he's only five years younger than me, I don't see what the big deal is."

Giving it up as a bad job, Kiba just lowered his head and worked on clearing his plate as fast as humanly possible, maybe if he went back to bed this whole thing would turn out to be just a horrible nightmare.

"So" Naruto spoke up again "what kind of whip does Hinata have?"

Kiba cleared his plate to the laughter of his mom and sister before starting out of the room at a fast walk. Starting up the stairs he could hear his sister explaining to his mother about something Naruto did with his tongue while he was taking her from behind, with helpful descriptors from Naruto, which almost made him lose the breakfast he'd just consumed. Climbing back into bed he pulled the duvet back up to his chin. Maybe becoming a Nukenin wouldn't be so bad after all, he thought. He was sure Hinata would understand.

* * *

I really wish there was more fanficition that involved the Inuzuka family out there, I think Tsume and Hana are really undeveloped characters that a good author could have a bunch of fun with given how wild that family is supposed to be, and Naruto's natural inclination to be a bit of a little terror.


	12. The Demon Shark and the Fishcake: 4

Drabbles and One Shots

Disclaimer: I own none of the IPs represented in this collection of ramblings. If I did, they would be much more interesting and I wouldn't be attending school.

#12: The Demon Shark and the Fish Cake: 4

* * *

Haku looked back and forth between the two legendary Nin facing off in the middle of the street. He was out of his depth, he had no clue what to do, just them starting to raise their killer intent at each other was making him choke and shiver. Backing off slowly, he heard a soft sound back in the direction of the ramen stand; looking back he noticed that Naruto's latest bowl of ramen that had been abandoned after one bite when Jiraiya had showed up had disappeared. That broke the spell and he couldn't help it, he face palmed.

"So, care to answer my question? Just what are you doing with Uzumaki Naruto? He disappeared almost six years ago after a traitor; long since interrogated executed, took him out of Konoha and left him for dead."

"Heh, I found the kid in the middle of the forest, completely cut up and bleeding everywhere. I decided that anyone that could take that kind of punishment and not give up and die would make an amazing apprentice, and I was right."

"So you didn't kidnap him?"

"No."

"He's happy with you?"

"Little bastard never stops smiling, no matter what kind of training I put him through."

"He's never given any indication that he wants to leave?"

"The kid could go freelance as a B-rank Nin right now and he knows it, but he still sticks around."

"Good enough for me" Jiraiya said and relaxed his stance, walking up the ramen bar with Kisame following him, he ordered while the Monster of the Mist went back to his latest, still warm, Sea Food Special.

Naruto meanwhile reappeared with his now empty ramen bowl and called for his own next serving.

Kisame looked over at the kid and had to fight back the impulse to smack him. "You brought your ramen with you?"

Naruto looked up at him as if the answer was obvious. "Well, yea. If you two were going to have an epic showdown or something I wasn't going to watch without a snack."

Jiraiya burst out laughing at the child's audacity while Kisame just grumbled about disrespectful students.

"So, Jiraiya-sama, you're not going to take the kid back by force or anything? 'Cause that would really put a cramp in me teaching him everything I know and unleashing him upon the world."

Jiraiya pondered this for a moment before shrugging "I'm extremely loyal to my home, don't get me wrong, but I'm more loyal to the kid's parents when it comes down to it. Konoha let it happen, no matter the excuse, and he seems happy with you. We'll just have to talk later about a couple of requests that I'd like to make about his training before we part ways. Though you may want to think about joining up with a hidden village soon, because I'll _have_ to report that I'd found him, and Konoha _will_ want to get him back."

Kisame just grunted in acknowledgement.

Naruto piped up from the side "yea, we've been following the progress of the civil war in Kiri, once we get enough info about it we were thinking of going and pitching in."

Jiraiya looked at Kisame for conformation, the Shark-like Nin nodded, making Jiraiya nod back in turn. "From what I've gotten out of there in the past few years, the resistance is actually starting to gain ground, something about an up-and-coming Kunoichi that's really strategy savvy and really strong for her age."

"Name?"

"Only a family name, Terumi."

Kisame gave a short, pleased laugh. "I knew a Terumi back when I was still there before the purges started, he was a _damn_ good Shinobi, able to use both Yōton and Futton, damn shame he's probably dead by now. Who knows, though, this kid could be his little girl."

"Ano, Kisame-sama, would I be safe going back there?" Haku asked from his reclaimed seat.

Jiraiya gave a start and looked over at the child before turning back to Kisame. "Cute kid, what's her name?"

Haku suddenly felt the inexplicable urge to form an ice knife and stab this Jiraiya.

"I am a boy, and my name is Haku!"

Jiraiya gave a start and looked back at Haku, squinting his eyes just a little bit. "Are you half and half?"

Giving off the roar of an enraged child, Haku jumped at the Gama Sennin in a cry of fury and proceeded to try his best to kill him. He promised to do the same to Naruto and Kisame when their uproarious laughter reached his ears.

* * *

The two legends and two legends in training were sitting around inside of a recently rented Hotel room, discussing Naruto's life up until that point in time, with Kisame and Jiraiya hammering out the details of a deal that they hadn't deemed necessary to reveal to the children yet.

"So, he signs it and starts to study seals in depth, sometimes going to the mountain to train with you and in return, we go to Kiri to help out with that war and try and get the resources of a Hidden Village behind us again, and you'll get off my back about him?"

Jiraiya stared back with an unusually serious expression on his face before giving a nod. 'I promised his father that I'd look after him, I've obviously failed on that front but you seem to be doing just as good of a job as I could. I personally don't see a problem with the arrangement, and Hiruzen-sensei will understand. If not the worst that he'll do is try and chop off my junk."

Kisame winced and nodded his acquiescence to the plan, before standing up and offering his hand to the Sennin sitting across from him. Jiraiya followed suit and they clasped wrists, sealing the deal.

"So, now that all of the serious shit for the night is out of the way, I've got a request, Jiraiya-sama."

Jiraiya looked back at Kisame speculatively, silently inviting him to make it.

Kisame gave a huge shark grin, this one for once not threatening, and pulled out a scroll. In a puff of smoke a whole pile of mint-condition books and paraphernalia appeared on it, Kisame standing behind it with a smile as smooth as a used-car salesman's.

"Sign my Icha-Icha first edition collector's books and memorabilia!" he asked with his most inviting smile.

Jiraiya just laughed and pulled out a pen that had "Author's Friend Autograph Pen" printed on the side "I'd be delighted to Kisame-kun; I always love meeting a fan!"

Naruto and Haku both gave of identical sighs of long suffering, and locked eyes, wondering what they must have done in past lives to deserve something like this.

* * *

"So I just sign it?"

"Yep."

"In blood?"

"Uh huh."

"And then do my finger prints?"

"Damn it brat! Just do as I told you so I can teach you this and be on my way!"

"Alright alright, yeesh don't have a heart attack grandpa" he agreed, with no small amount of suspicion in his voice. Naruto knelt down next to the scroll that Jiraiya had produced via a Toad summon. Taking out a kunai he nicked his finger with it and started signing. Given his regeneration rate he'd had to cut himself three more times just to finish it all.

Jiraiya had spent the night at the same hotel as the other three, in the morning they'd all gone out to a nearby field and, after Haku had visited the site of Zabuza's cremation and been able to say his goodbyes, started training.

Off to the side Kisame was drilling Haku in what he knew, and correcting and teaching him new tricks where applicable. He had to admit, he didn't seem the type but Zabuza had apparently been a pretty good teacher. Not as good as himself, of course, he thought, but still decent nonetheless.

Naruto had already been given a beginners guide to seals, and after he'd identified and blown through everything in that and half the intermediate book just that morning, Jiraiya had given him the advanced book for after he finished with his current one and started him on the basics of summoning. Kisame and Haku had been originally astounded at Naruto's fast pace with seals, Kisame more-so because he knew just how hellacious that particular ninja art was to learn. After Jiraiya had explained a bit of the history of the Uzumaki family, and that his master that he'd learned the art from in that clan had made both him and Minato Namikaze, who'd in turn outstripped Jiraiya by light years, like toddlers scrabbling around in the dark, Kisame just let it go.

"Okay, here I go" Naruto started, he formed the hand seals and started to gather Chakra. Jiraiya was suitably impressed at the amount he was able to generate so early in his life. And even more impressed when it kept rising. When Naruto started to reach the amount of Chakra that Jiraiya actively had running through his coils when he was completely rested up Jiraiya started to freak out. Before he could stop him, it was too late.

With a cry of "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" Naruto slammed his bleeding palm into the ground and generated a gigantic puff of smoke.

Jiraiya looked up at what he knew was coming, and paled and whimpered at the enraged yell that came forth. All he managed to squeak out was a weak "oh balls."

"JIRAIYA! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF SUMMONING ME! I THOUGHT I MADE IT CLEAR THAT YOU HAD PENANCE TO PAY AFTER YOU USED ME TO ESCAPE THE WOMEN IN TSUCHI NO KUNI!"

'_Yea' _Jiraiya thought '_I'm boned'_.

High above him, Gamabunta loomed, scarred face glowering down menacingly.

* * *

Some of you might be able to see where this is going by now, and I actually hope that someone will take it up as a chaptered fic and flesh out the chapters a lot more and do it justice. If not, well I can keep going as a semi-serious series for a while. I might even go as far as to make it its own fic eventually, but to have chapters that were actually worth a damn I'd have to combine the four existing ones just to make the first a decent length.

PS: Gamabunta is only in all caps because he's pissed as all hell, there will be no **bold_ bold italics_ **or even just _italics_ to any Summon/Demon/Jutsu anything other than inner thought, it annoys me when people do that. Yea, I annoy easily, so what?


	13. Copy Cat

Drabbles and One Shots

Disclaimer: I own none of the IPs represented in this collection of ramblings. If I did, they would be much more interesting and I wouldn't be attending school.

#13: Copy Cat.

* * *

Sharingan no Kakashi. Hatake Kakashi. Feared Nin by all of Konoha's enemies was currently partaking in one of his favorite past times. Sp-_guarding_ one Uzumaki Naruto as he went about his daily routine outside of the ANBU compound. While reading Icha-Icha. What? This is _Kakashi,_ after all.

It didn't even matter to him that Naruto had four more invisible protectors at all times, that all saw him as something of a surrogate younger brother. It was either this; get challenged to more outrageous contests by Maito Gai or go stare at the memorial stone. And he'd done that this morning. Oh how he both loathed and loved the mandatory cool down time between high level missions. He hated it because he was generally bored, and loved it because it gave him the chance to peruse the latest installment in the Icha-Icha series.

Oh, it also let him check up on his favorite little brother in everything but blood. Yep. Couldn't forget the only living link to his Sensei, right?

* * *

A nine year old Naruto was walking down the main street in Konoha with a gigantic smile on his face; he'd just been to the Ichiraku Ramen Bar for his lunch break on one of the weekly training days, there was five of them each week, and was now on his way back to the ANBU HQ. Occasionally he'd wave a hand at the people on the street that looked at him, either not noticing or not caring when they looked away with a scowl. Very rarely did anyone ever do anything, they weren't insane after all, and they were in a village that was policed by literal living weapons. Well, most of them weren't at any rate.

He was getting to the corner he'd take to go to the ANBU HQ, when behind him he heard a "Damn dem-aaaackurk".

Turning around to see what it was, all he caught was a bottle breaking on the ground half a block away and a populace that was staring at said bottle in what looked to him like abject terror. Shrugging it off as not important to him, he kept walking and turned the corner. It was Ibiki-kun's turn to teach him today, after all, and he knew all sorts of things Ninja could do to soft tissue that, for some reason, made Anko-neechan giggle during lessons. He liked it when Anko-neechan giggled; she'd just started laughing more lately and it made him happy to see her happy.

* * *

Kakashi looked down at the man he had in a, in his opinion, very painful chokehold with a lazy eye.

"Now now, Civilian-san, I think I saw something about to happen that shouldn't have been about to happen, did I?"

The civilian in his iron grip tried to shake his head, but Kakashi had such a tight grip that all that came of it was a tensing and un-tensing of the man's neck muscles.

"Oh? You agree that you were about to throw that bottle at a child I consider to be my little brother? The same child that, coincidentally, has a law pertaining to him about mentioning a certain something sealed inside of a certain someone?"

Again, all he got was the attempted head shake.

"Well!" Kakashi started joyfully "I know for a fact that Ibiki-kun and Anko-chan don't have anything to do tonight after they finish teaching Naruto-kun how to go for the soft tissue, how would you like to keep them entertained?"

Now there really isn't much that the vast majority of the civilians know about the Shinobi forces in any given village, they were so much easier to capture and interrogate after all, but everyone, _everyone, _had heard of Morino Ibiki and his apprentice Mitarashi Anko. Kakashi got the response to his question.

"I'll take by the way your bowels just voided as a yes. Oh we're going to have such fun together!"

With that Kakashi disappeared.

Three weeks later, the man would return to his family relatively normal, except that the next time he saw Naruto he would bow down, call him "Uzumaki-sama" and offer his daughter as a token of his appreciation. Naruto would hesitantly decline because, frankly, he was weirded out.

* * *

So someone read the Sarutobi Hiruzen installment (chapter 9, which incidentally was a sort of continuation of chapter 1) and asked if I'd be willing to do one for each of Kakashi, Jiraiya and Minato respectively. And that bastard got my mind spinning a bit so I belted something out for Kakashi really quick, related to both chapters one and nine, as a mini continuation and time skip of around nine years. Yea, its pretty damn short, but I really just wanted to get into Kakashi's psych a bit, and I honestly could see him acting more this way than hating Naruto like a lot of authors like to do. And him obsessing over and stalking Naruto for his own safety really seems like something that Kakashi would do, he just seems to have that type of mentality to me.

I really am updating these things like a crack fiend with too much energy today, might have to think about writing something more substantial. Maybe. If I can motivate myself.


	14. Erosennin

Drabbles and One Shots

Disclaimer: I own none of the IPs represented in this collection of ramblings. If I did, they would be much more interesting and I wouldn't be attending school.

#14: Ero-sennin. Or: How Naruto Lost His Virginity.

* * *

Jiraiya looked on as his sixteen year old student continued training. Most people back in Konoha that heard that Jiraiya no Sannin was taking his student, one Uzumaki Naruto out on a training trip (and had heard about his self proclaimed reputation as a super pervert) had scoffed at the idea, the kid would come back worse off than when he left!

Well, they were wrong. Jiraiya may have been the ultimate, unrepentant, self proclaimed super pervert, but he was also an insanely fierce perfectionist. When Naruto had shown him what he'd been taught by the various ANBU that had raised him over the years, he'd been exceedingly impressed, the brat soaked up Ninja techniques like a sponge, he'd worked his Chakra Control so ferociously that he didn't waste a drop, his hand seal speed was phenomenal for someone his age, his Taijutsu was as far as someone with a body that hadn't finished growing could take it, and he could spam B-S rank elemental Ninjutsu with insane regularity. But it wasn't good enough.

Jiraiya had broken him down and built him back up, he'd kept his old skills, but they were honed to a sharp killing edge now. His hand seals were crisper, cleaner and more efficient. He could now hold up against Jiraiya in a pure Taijutsu battle, and the master knew the student would surpass him once he left puberty and finally finished developing. His control over his Chakra was better than it had ever been, there were some exercises that you could do all day, even while going about your daily routine. Naruto now spent all day with pebbles stuck to the small of his back, his shoulder blades, and the back of his head with just his Chakra. Simultaneously. His control over his demon side, as he referred to Kyūbi (much to the beast's consternation) was actually vastly further along than it should be for such a young Jinchūriki with such a powerful tailed beast inside of him. He'd been taught the basics of Fuinjutsu back at the ANBU HQ, he could now be considered a master in the art.

All in all, Jiraiya was happy at where his apprentice was at the end of their training trip. He couldn't have asked for a better student, Naruto had what seemed to be an immense need to please his teachers. This didn't really surprise Jiraiya though, since almost all of the adults that the kid knew growing up were his Sensei in one way or another.

"Oy brat! Time to wrap it up for the day; I've got a present waiting for you back in town!" Jiraiya yelled down the hill. Naruto perked up and jogged back to where his shirt was sitting, struggling it on over his sweat drenched body his blue eyes scrutinized Jiraiya closely, trying to divine what the present could be. Knowing his sensei it was something that Tsunade-baachan would find highly inappropriate.

"What is it?"

"You'll find out once we get back to the room, I don't want to ruin the surprise."

"I don't trust you."

Jiraiya snorted at that, it was probably the smartest thing the brat had said in the last two and a half years. "You'll like this present, trust me."

Giving one last glare, Naruto nodded "lead on Ero-Sennin".

This of course triggered a bickering match that lasted all the way back to their hotel room.

* * *

Leaning against the wall next to the door to their room, Jiraiya barely held in his laughter at the look of severe distrust on his student's face. "Just go in brat, it's nothing that's going to kill you" Jiraiya decided to twist the kunai a bit, as it were, "or are you telling me that the great Uzumaki Naruto is afraid of getting his birthday present?"

That tore it, he could tell.

Squaring his shoulders Naruto gave his Sensei one last glare and opened the door and marched right in. He was completely unprepared for Jiraiya to shove him further into the dark room, sending him stumbling. He was further unprepared for the door to be slammed behind him and the muffled cry of "Fuin!" that came from the other side.

"Damn you Ero-sennin!" he yelled through the door, there wasn't a silencing portion in that array that he could see.

Sighing as he recognized a complex containment seal that had been applied to the door and most likely the window too, seeing as how Jiraiya was thorough like that, Naruto started to grope for the light switch. Once he'd found it, he froze in shock and awe.

Lying on his bed were three identical women, dressed in what could only be illegal lingerie, given how turned on he was from just the brief glimpse he'd gotten so far.

Three identical, sultry and inviting smiles were directed towards him. Each of them had midnight blue hair, done up in three different styles, blue eyes and cute faces. He actually started to shake a bit when they all climbed off the bed and prowled towards him, their movements which he could only describe as sex in motion.

"Hello, Naruto-sama" the one on the left started.

"We've been told so much about you" the right hand continued.

"If only Jiraiya-sama had told us how cute you were" now the middle one.

"We wouldn't have charged him near the amount that we did" back to the right.

"But no matter at all" left hand now.

"We'll make sure you enjoy this, as much as possible" Middle said again, all the while this was going on they had been slowly stripping him of his clothing, making sure that they had as much skin to skin contact as humanly possible.

They started from left to right again.

"I'm Sayuri."

"Sakiko."

"And Sachi."

And all together "we're the Sasaki triplets".

Naruto finally regained his voice "s-s-so Ero-sennin paid you three to sleep with me"?

The nickname drew three identical, strangely alluring giggles from them, and Sakiko responded "Hai Naruto-sama, now, if you'd just relax we'll teach you everything you need to know." Her voice rolled over him like liquid sex, and it was all he could do to nod his approval.

* * *

Jiraiya had left right after he'd sealed the door, he knew his apprentice could break the binding seal that he'd placed on the room eventually, but that would take time. And he'd paid the Sasaki girls to not give him that time.

Whistling as he came up to the door, he was slightly disappointed to not hear anything coming from the inside, before it was unceremoniously opened in his face. Right in front of him was a shirtless Naruto, with what appeared to be hastily put on pants. Jiraiya fought to keep the disappointment from his face.

"So, I take it you didn't like the present I got you?" He was promptly stunned when his apprentice grabbed his face and gave him a big kiss on the cheek.

"It's the best present ever!" this caused three giggles to echo out of the room, which was promptly followed by three moans. "I'm just a Kage Bunshin though, they need strawberries and whipped cream and I'm being sent to get it." With that the door was slammed shut in his face again and he watched Naruto's replication practically skip down the hall to the elevator to the ground floor.

Finally snapping out of it, Jiraiya took a closer look at the sealing array on the door and noticed the addition of a sound barrier, sighing he waited for the Shadow Clone to return to interrogate it. When it finally made its way back to their floor, it was heralded with whistling and the rustling of ice in a bucket.

"Hey wait, brat, before you go back in what's with the sound suppression seal on the door?"

"Oh that? After the first half hour one of the neighbors came and started yelling so I put it up so we wouldn't bother them anymore."

That was all Jiraiya got before the door was opened, which briefly let out what sounded like the trailing end of a shrieked orgasm, before it was once again slammed closed. Glaring at the door he tried the handle a few times, even going as far as bracing his feet on the wall and tugging, to no avail. Huffing he made his way outside and walked up the side of the building, only to be thwarted once again by closed drapes. Screaming he tugged at his hair.

"What's the point of having my studly student in there with the world famous Sasaki triplets, if I can't use it as inspiration for my novels!" Sighing he gloomily made his way back inside and slumped down next to the door.

* * *

The opening of the room door roused Jiraiya from his sleep huddled up in his sage coat, looking up he noticed his, extremely relaxed looking, apprentice leaning out the doorway looking down at him.

"Hey Ero-sennin, do you have any cigarettes?"

The question momentarily threw him before he held up a scroll of infiltration supplies, which was quickly snatched from his grasp. When his brain caught up he couldn't help but ask "I thought you didn't smoke?"

Naruto grinned down at him and gave him a giant thumbs up, "I don't, but Sakiko likes to have a smoke after sex and said she wouldn't mind one before we start round seven, so being the gentleman I had to oblige."

The door was, once again, slammed in Jiraiya's face as a look of awe crossed his features. He proceeded to paw at the door like a lost puppy for the rest of the night. He was found around seven the next evening when the triplets finally had the energy to get up and leave, after a morning quickie from three identical Narutos, naturally.

Naruto grinned down at him after giving Sayuri a friendly smack on her, in his experience, incredibly firm rump to send her on her way, getting a saucy grin back for his trouble.

"That was the best birthday ever, Jiraiya-sensei."

After seeing the grin on his Godson's face, he knew sleeping on the ground in the hall had been worth this one night for the boy. If given the choice, he'd do it again in a heartbeat.

* * *

So, Jiraiya was actually pretty easy for me to write, he's just one of those characters that wears everything on the sleeve, the first time you see him in the series, you know, for the most part, what his personality is going to be like. And I actually don't think that's a bad thing, since he's one of my favorite characters ever, he's just how he is and doesn't give a damn what the world thinks about that, which is one thing I really like about him. Minato is going to be the last one in this little series of three, and I think he's going to be the hardest to write, simply because of how little of him there is in the series, I might have to find a copy of the episode where Naruto talks to him in the seal or look him up on the Naruto wiki to get a better idea of what to do, and it might come after The Demon Shark and the Fishcake #5 but it'll get done.


	15. The Demon Shark and the Fishcake: 5

Drabbles and One Shots

Disclaimer: I own none of the IPs represented in this collection of ramblings. If I did, they would be much more interesting and I wouldn't be attending school.

#15: The Demon Shark and the Fishcake: 5

* * *

A thirteen year old Naruto stood at a table in, what appeared to be, a very well maintained cave. Surrounding him were Kisame, Haku and most of the Kiri rebel faction's leadership including Ao, a young man around Naruto and Haku's age named Chōjūrō and of course the brand new leader elect, Terumi Mei. Mei was, in Naruto's educated opinion, an absolutely gorgeous girl at the age of seventeen and the size of his crush on her had become a bit of a running gag in the two years since he, Kisame and Haku had joined up with the rebels. He didn't care for a number of reasons, one being that he was raised by Kisame, if a little teasing would be able to ruffle his feathers enough to get to him in any way Kisame would probably kill him out of embarrassment himself and two, she was smoking hot! His words. It didn't hurt that, while she was too young for him to entertain any notions about her, Kisame had agreed wholeheartedly.

Haku just blushed and looked down demurely whenever she talked directly to him. He was polite like that. Or it could be the massive amount of cleavage she regularly showed in her normal attire.

Naruto just took every opportunity to hug her that she could. Mei herself didn't do anything to deter this by calling Naruto the "cutest young man she had ever seen". Chōjūrō didn't like Naruto too much.

"So" Naruto started off "this is it?"

Nodding her head in acknowledgement, Mei turned to Kisame "are you prepared for your part in the assault?"

Kisame just gave his usual sharky smile "leave everything to me, Mei-chan; I've been doing this longer than you've been alive."

That was another thing Mei liked about Kisame, he never commented on her increasing age in a negative way. Giving the big man a pat on the arm she turned to the three younger boys at the table, though she guessed that they couldn't really be called boys anymore, seeing as how they'd all fought and killed their own fare share of Shinobi over the years. "And what about you three? Are you ready for this as well?"

Naruto spoke up before Chōjūrō could even get a word in; much to the young man's consternation "you bet Mei-chan!" he said giving her a big thumbs up and receiving a glower from Chōjūrō "you can count on us to do anything!" Haku and Chōjūrō voiced their agreement a moment later, both blushing and looking away as Mei stepped right in front of them with a soft smile on her face, she furthered their embarrassment, and made Naruto's day, as she leaned down and gave them all a kiss on the forehead, leaving behind a blue imprint of her lips from her favored shade of lipstick.

Straightening up she beamed at them "you three are the future of the Kiri no Shinobigatana Shichinin Shū, I have high hopes for your futures."

All three seemed to glow with the praise and stood up just that much straighter.

Turning to Ao she gave him a firm nod, "we go to face our destiny tonight, Ao, are you ready for this? It may just end up with the complete destruction of the rebellion, and this is the last chance to see if Yagura really is under a Genjutsu."

"I'm sure he is, but I'm equally as sure that we won't be able to break it, can you bring yourself to kill him if we need too?" receiving a firm nod to his question he looked around at the rest of the gathered commanders. "Well then, let's get this show on the road." With that the various Nin scattered, going about their assigned tasks. Waiting until they were alone, he couldn't stop himself from asking "what do you think of Naruto's command potential?"

Having expected this question, Mei simply grinned at Ao for a while before responding "I believe that Naruto may just be the most powerful Nin in Kirigakure no Sato in a few year's time. That is if we don't all die tonight, of course."

"Of course."

* * *

Naruto, Haku and Chōjūrō had been on their "sabotage and distraction" mission for about an hour and a half so far, their job was to slow down any reinforcements that may or may not be on their way to assist the Yondaime Mizukage in his confrontation with the two supreme leaders of the resistance. So far they'd managed to put all of the itching powder inside of the ANBU uniforms and masks, disabled the electrical alarm system and put padding on the manual bells so that they wouldn't make nearly the required amount of noise to put the rest of the village on high alert.

"I can't believe we're doing something so childish to slow down Yagura's reinforcements." Apparently Chōjūrō didn't think much of Naruto's plan. Or the fact that he'd somehow been able to convince Mei-sama of it in such a short amount of time.

"Ah come on Chōjūrō-kun, you've just never tried to fight with itching powder in your uniform before, have you?" Naruto wheedled with a mischievous grin on his face. "I know for a fact that Haku-chan has, why don't you tell him about it Haku-chan."

Haku, seemingly ignoring select parts of Naruto's little speech just gripped his hands into fists before forcing himself to relax; Naruto had _promised_ never to bring that up again. "I have had the displeasure of being on the receiving end of one of Naruto's…_gags_…it was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life, trying to fight with itching powder in my battle-kimono." He didn't finish the story and tell Chōjūrō that he'd been forced to strip in the middle of the village that they'd been staying in just to get away from the powder.

Naruto had to interject here "You know how weird it is to be best friends with a boy that, when he's wearing a kimono, is more attractive than half of the women you meet? Of course he has absolutely nothing on Mei-chan." Naruto just trailed off with a dreamy look in his eyes, receiving a growl of annoyance from Chōjūrō.

Coughing, Haku brought the conversation back on track "yes, well, Mei-sama's beauty aside, fighting when encumbered by itching powder is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, you get sloppy and make so many mistakes that you might as well be standing still."

Chōjūrō looked over at Haku, he knew how skilled both boys were, they'd trained together enough for him to be well aware of their combat prowess. Haku was an extremely skilled and precise combatant; almost nothing would distract him from a fight so he'd be willing to take his word for it. And he didn't want to admit it, but he was somewhat scared of Naruto. Anyone raised and trained by the "Kirigakure no Kaijin" was someone to be treated with caution and respect. Even if he did act like a complete goofball half of the time.

"So!" Naruto chirped, "We've got the alarms and the uniforms, my Kage Bunshin just finished super gluing their Kunai and Shuriken together, did we miss anything?"

"The traps, and I still don't see why my Mizu Bunshin couldn't have done the gluing, they knew exactly where to go."

Naruto got in an instructor stance, Gods Chōjūrō hated the instructor stand, like he was any older than him! "Because Chōjūrō-kun, Mizu Bunshin leaves water behind, Kage Bunshin leaves smoke. Yours would have been noticed that much sooner by the patrols. Speaking of, we've gotta scram before said patrols find us, so let's go!"

Chōjūrō just gave another frustrated growl, accepting the sympathizing pat on the back that Haku gave him with a grateful nod.

All that would ever signify that the three had been there at all was some itching powder, some padding, some cunningly laid annoying yet non-lethal traps, a cut wire and empty glue bottles in the trash.

* * *

Kisame would never admit it out loud, not with copious amounts of torture at least. That momentarily made him pause mid killing-stroke in amusement, before the gurgling of an unclean kill made him look down and finish the job. But he was enjoying being back in his homeland. It didn't hurt that the Mizukage-presumptive was a scrumptious looking girl, he had to completely ignore the fact that said scrumptious looking girl just might be able to kill him, but he hadn't realized just how much he missed the mist shrouded lands he'd been born to.

Looking down at his latest kill, a man called Yama, or Yamo or Yam something he nodded in satisfaction. He didn't care about the guy's name, he just cared that the guy had been supportive of the genocide going on in Mizu no Kuni. Now, Kisame was, as mentioned before, very supportive of the "survival of the fittest" mentality, that didn't mean, however, that he'd go out and kill someone just because they couldn't defend themselves against him; there was absolutely no point in killing the helpless.

Plus he liked quite a few people with Kekki Genkai, Haku and Mei chief among them, but he honestly didn't mind the rest of the resistance that possessed them either. He got along with a fair number of them, they weren't mewling little sycophants trying to get on his good side, and they were actually standing up for what they believed in and were extremely loyal, if not to the current Mizukage, then to the people of Kiri as a whole. Kisame could appreciate loyalty; it was what got him into the Kiri no Shinobigatana Shichinin Shū in the first place. Executing traitors was a bit of specialty of his. He'd also admired Yagura for quite a while for his hard line against traitors. It was just too bad that the man had to turn out bat shit insane.

Making his way out the window and on to his next and final target of the night, his head snapped up as what could only be described as a pillar of demonic energy shot up in the distance. He knew from the maps that everyone had memorized that that was where Mei and Ao were engaging Yagura. Judging the distance he shrugged it off, if they were dead or fatally injured then there was nothing he would be able to do about it in the amount of time it would take him to get there, and Naruto, Haku and Chōjūrō were all much closer anyway. Unwrapping Samehada he decided that she'd been patient enough and he'd had enough of stealth for the night; she could feast on what little chakra the next fat civilian would possess.

* * *

The three teen's heads all snapped up in unison as shouts of alarm and clamoring came from behind them in the compound that they had just vacated. Looking at each other they all gave identical no-nonsense nods, Chōjūrō and Naruto completely ignoring their semi-rivalry before they all sped off in the same direction.

They had a future Mizukage to look after.

* * *

Landing in a clearing with, what appeared to be, a shallow smoking crater and a softly sizzling skeleton inside of it Naruto immediately rushed over to assist Mei in standing up, Haku doing the same for Ao while Chōjūrō secured the perimeter.

Naruto broke the silence "Mei-sama, what happened here? Is that all that's left of Yagura?"

Noting the boy's use of the honorific and his ability to go from the carefree kidder to professional Shinobi in the blink of an eye, Ao nodded in satisfaction and spoke up for them "Hai Naruto-kun, Yagura committed suicide, he released the Sanbi from its seal."

This was enough of a shock for Naruto that he almost dropped Kubikiribōchō before catching himself and steadying his grip, he glanced up at Mei who was leaning on his shoulder for support. "Is that true Mei-sama? It's not that I don't trust Ao's opinion, but bijū tend to be very tricky business."

Mei finally glanced over at Naruto; she gave a firm nod and a small "thank you" before taking her own weight again. "Hai, we were finally able to dispel the Genjutsu that had been placed on him during our encounter, when everything came rushing back to him, all of the slaughters that he'd ordered he released the Sanbi and killed himself. It looked to be one of the most painful experiences anyone had ever undertaken."

Chōjūrō spoke up from where he was watching their backs "that doesn't surprise me Mei-sama, he was old enough that his bijū would be completely intertwined with his chakra network, that would be most excruciating for it to be removed, voluntarily or not."

Naruto was forced to agree with the intelligent young man's observation "I'm already completely integrated with the Kyūbi in me, I'm so used to it that I don't think I'd ever be able to imagine what he went through in that moment. But we must get away from here, Mei-sama; we need to consolidate our hold on the village as soon as possible."

Nodding her agreement Mei sent the signal for their forces to move into the city on her radio headset before a sound behind them made them all turn and fall into a ready stance.

"So, we're done with this whole rebellion business then?" It was just Kisame.

Relaxing their guard now that there was yet another Kage level Shinobi in the area, that was on their side at least, they all formed a loose circle around Mei and began escorting her to the village.

"Looks like it Big and Blue, you ready to be a responsible member of the Kiri no Shinobigatana Shichinin Shū again?" The look of horror on Kisame's face made Naruto almost lose control of himself with laughter. He was promptly propelled forward thanks to Kisame's "Educational Palm Technique".

"Brat! Don't try and scare me into going Nukenin again, because I totally will!"

"Mei-chan! He hit me!"

Mei just looked at a recovering Naruto with a serene smile "sometimes you deserve to be hit, Naruto-kun."

Naruto pouted.

Mei gave in to his cuteness and hugged his face into her massive cleavage.

Naruto gave a fuming Chōjūrō a thumbs-up behind Mei's back before wrapping his arms around her to return the hug.

* * *

The three new members and member presumptive (Haku) of the new generation, and in Kisame's case reinstated generation, of the Kiri no Shinobigatana Shichinin Shū were sitting around a table in a conference room along with Ao, who was the new head of the Oinin division, and Terumi Mei, newly instated Godaime Mizukage. It had taken about a week for all of the fighting to die down in Kirigakure no Sato proper, but for a coup it went surprisingly efficient with relatively few hiccups along the way. They'd been all called here for some news that Ao apparently had.

Looking at the head of the Oinin, Mei decided to get the meeting moving. She may be solidly the new Mizukage, but she had many duties to oversee before the village and country as a whole finally settled down. "What was it you wished to share with us, Ao?"

Ao sighed before gathering his thoughts and deciding to just go for it. "The Uchiha clan was wiped out in Konoha three days ago."

A thundering silence was all that greeted him before, like so many times previously, Naruto broke the silence with a well thought out, intelligent conclusion.

"Well, sucks for them. What's for lunch?"

* * *

Alright, installment #5. I may be getting the hang of this whole "longer chapters" thing. Or not. Now if anyone's not able to suss out that Naruto will eventually end up marrying Mei, go get your brain fixed. Some of you may be wondering "but, wait, isn't Naruto supposed to be eight at this point in the time line?" Yes, he would be, if I hadn't turned this so completely AU that I wanted Naruto to be older and Mei to be younger so their relationship wasn't nearly as creepy. So, by the time numbers six rolls around it will be all caught up with cannon, at least as far as how far along the story and everything is. And don't worry, I've already got Kisame's replacement in Akatsuki lined up, and you'll be happy to know that it is neither Orochimaru or an OC.


	16. Yellow Flash

Drabbles and One Shots

Disclaimer: I own none of the IPs represented in this collection of ramblings. If I did, they would be much more interesting and I wouldn't be attending school.

#16: Yellow Flash. Or: How Naruto Met His Father.

One Uzumaki Naruto was staring down the manifestation of malevolence and violence caged in front of him. He wasn't one to give up. Uzumaki Naruto never gave up, bitch! But he was one that knew when he was about to die. If he was going to die, he was going to release the Kyūbi back on the world, with the stipulation that it didn't kill anyone he held dear, and let his enemies rue the day that they'd ever even heard his name. No one relished a victory against Uzumaki Naruto for long. Scorched Earth, bitches.

A trembling hand was about to grab the seal that was keeping the Fox contained before it was stopped cold in an iron grip. Looking over in shock he found himself facing what, at first he thought was a mirror, before he realized that this blonde had no whisker marks and was in fact older than him.

"Yondaime" was all he managed to whisper out.

"Son."

* * *

Naruto stared at the man standing across from him. Kyūbi, the pest that he was, had kept interrupting their conversation so the Yondaime somehow took them somewhere in his _own_ subconscious to have a quiet conversation. It was making his head hurt just thinking about it.

"So…" Naruto had no clue what to say.

"I know you know I'm your dad."

Naruto sagged in relief "Oh thank Kami, I thought this was going to be some really big awkward reunion where I yelled at you for sealing the Kyūbi in me and you had some crappy flimsy excuse about me being your son or something like that."

Minato just laughed at that, "Really? Honestly there are way better reasons for me using you than just you being my son, the Uzumaki life force for one."

"Yea I know, it's just, every orphan always wonders what they will say to their parents if they ever get the chance, you know. And all my plans have gone out the window now that I'm finally face to face with you."

Minato smiled at his progeny and slapped him on the shoulder "so, anything in particular you want to ask?"

Naruto hemmed and hawed for a little bit before snapping his fingers in revelation "what's with this super crazy skill I have with Fuinjutsu? It's like I barely need to even try with it."

"Ah, yea that would be a combination of me and your Uzumaki genes, those Uzumaki, man, they were _crazy_ with seals. I think they pretty much invented the art by themselves."

"Really? That's pretty damn impressive. I mean, I knew my family was awesome, there's no way the slice of perfection you see in front of you could come from anything less, but damn, we're cool." Naruto received the obligatory high-five from his father for that.

"So, you know you're going to live for a crazy long time with the Uzumaki Life Force and actively using the Kyūbi's chakra, right?"

Naruto sighed at that "Yea, I'd pretty much figured. I mean Mito-obachan lived from the founding of Konoha until about half way through Saru-jiji's term, didn't she?" He received a nod in confirmation and a grin at his nickname for the Kami no Shinobi.

"You know, Kushina-chan used to call him that as well."

Naruto laughed "huh, that might explain the look of complete shock on his face the first time I called him that."

Minato gave him a sly, and slightly dirty grin "So, what's this about the Yamanaka girl and the Sand envoy being caught with you at the same time, not to mention that cute little Hyūga that expressed her love for you just now." He _was_ Jiraiya's student after all.

"Yea, we're done talking. Awesome to see you dad, hope that whole "eternal conflict in the death god's stomach" thing works out for you, but I got an ass to kick and a village to save."

"Hey wait Naruto! I was just kidding I-"

"Lalalalalala! I can't hear you because I don't want too!"

This got him a smack to the face which forced him to pay attention. When he opened his eyes he noticed how serious the Yondaime looked, so he dropped his kidding attitude and got down to business.

"Naruto, I want you to know that both your mother and I loved you very much, and that I am and she would be immensely proud of the man that you've become, never forget that."

Nodding his acceptance, Naruto moved in to give his father a hug. A manly one though, he was a tough as nails Shinobi, he didn't do sissy.

"Now, let me tell you my suspicions about this "Pein" character and Akatsuki."

* * *

Naruto opened his eyes outside of the seal and took in the destruction around him, focusing back on the remaining path of Pain he let a feral smile stretch across his face. This bastard thought he could keep him down? He'd just have to show him that he had _no_ idea who he was messing with.

* * *

And Minato done, I actually like how this turned out, short as all shit or not, it was pretty amusing to write. As with the Kakashi and Jiraiya one, this is a continuation of chapters one and nine, same universe same Naruto.


	17. The Demon Shark and the Fishcake: 6

Drabbles and One Shots

Disclaimer: I own none of the IPs represented in this collection of ramblings. If I did, they would be much more interesting and I wouldn't be attending school.

#17: The Demon Shark and the Fish Cake: 6

* * *

It was another beautiful day in Kirigakure no Sato. The birds were singing, the sun was almost penetrating the perpetual mist and the toads were croaking their little hearts out. All in all, you wouldn't be able to tell that the village had been involved in a civil war just four and a half years ago.

The Mizukage's office was located in a very large, very practical looking squat stone tower. In the office, the casual observe would expect to find Terumi Mei hard at work, doing her part in making everything in the village run. They would, of course, have been right, had one Uzumaki Naruto not been currently visiting.

The sounds of, what appeared to be, an intense make-out session were coming from behind a large, exceedingly comfortable looking chair. Over the top of the chair could be seen two heads joined together, one of which had a red stylized not-quite top knot, and the other was covered in what could only be called a blonde sea urchin in hair form.

In front of this desk were three Genin rank Ninja, all of which shared the similar facial features of family members, as well as similar wide-eyed shocked looks. The boy, Tekkai, was a solidly built young man, tall for his age with short cut, almost severe white hair and red eyes. The girls, however, were a bit of the opposite. Sayuri and Sakiko both had red hair and gray eyes, they were both, ahem, well formed for their thirteen years of age, and both dressed to show off what developing curves they had. They were also both little deviants who one day dreamed of tricking both their Mizukage and their Sensei into bed. Naruto thought it was uproariously hilarious. Mei thought it was kind of cute. No one ever said they were completely sane.

"Cough", obviously Tekkai thought that it would be a good time to interrupt, earning twin glares from his fraternal twin sisters.

The chair swiveled around to show a rumpled looking Godaime Mizukage and a happily grinning Uzumaki Naruto.

"What can I do for you, my adorable students?"

"Erm, Sensei, we all came here together, we're supposed to get a mission from Mei-sama" Tekkai, bless his heart, managed to maintain eye-contact with his Sensei despite the voluptuous Mizukage fixing her dress right in front of him, making sure she was displaying a tasteful yet not excessive amount of décolletage "you just jumped her the second we came in so we weren't able to get our mission". The furious blush on his face proved that he was getting an eyeful via peripheral vision anyway.

His sisters didn't even bother to look away.

Mei stood up, having fixed her dress, and pulled Naruto out of her chair before shoving him around to the other side of her desk, giving his ass a playful spank to hurry him along. "Now" she started, clearing her throat "since we're still consolidating all of the territory we lost during the infighting, we need to send someone over to Nami no Kuni in order to reconnect with our trading partners. That's where you four come in; you're all on light duty in order to stay fit enough for the upcoming Chūnin Exams in Konoha so this will be perfect for you."

Naruto, straightening up and coming to attention showed that he could, in fact, be serious. In spite of what Haku and that Chōjūrō said, the latter's jealousy notwithstanding. "What is it you require us to do, Mizukage-sama?"

Smiling at her lover's ability to switch attitudes so seamlessly, Mei continued with the briefing. "You four are to go to Nami and look up a man named Tazuna, according to our reports from the area that have just started to trickle in; he's the local community leader in their biggest port town. Also, while you are there you may be called upon to perform two assassinations, one of them is a business man named Gato, and he's reportedly been slowly taking over all shipping in the area and setting himself up as some sort of pseudo-Daimyo. If this is true, and the people really are suffering, kill him and return the funds that he's reportedly stolen to their rightful owners." She paused to make sure all four of them understood. Catching her look Naruto saluted with a fist to the chest in the traditional Kiri fashion.

"Understood Mizukage-sama, what is the second target?"

"There have been reports that Gato has hired Kurosuki Raiga" she paused to let the three Genin's gasps get past them "if he is unwilling to return peacefully to Kirigakure, you are to kill him and bring the Kiba back to Kiri for a future member of the Swordsmen to take up. Is that clear?"

Naruto stared at her completely emotionlessly before breaking out into a grin that, to anyone who knew his primary sensei, would tell them just who had trained and raised him without even knowing the fact. His students called it the Kisame-smile.

"Clear as Haku-chan's ice, Mei-chan."

"Then you three are dismissed, you'll be meeting back up with me in Konoha for the treaty negotiations and lead up to the Chūnin Exams so go there after your mission is complete."

The four Nin in front of her acknowledged her orders with a resounding "Hai Mizukage-sama" before turning to trek out the door.

"Oh, Naruto" Mei started, causing the blonde to turn around with a questioning look on his face. Blushing Mei motioned to his mouth and the area around it, raising a hand Naruto ran his fingers along his lips and looked at them. Blue lipstick, the exact same shade that Mei favored, had come off on his fingers. Grinning, the blonde pulled a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiped his face down before smiling radiantly at Mei.

"I'll see you in Konoha Mei-koi" he said, smiling wider at her blush at the affectionate name before giving him a naughty grin.

"We'll have to test out the hotel beds while we're there" she said, delighting in the way he giggled as he walked out the door.

* * *

Entering the border of Wave three days later one of the twins broke the comfortable silence that had descended on the group after breaking camp that morning.

"So, Naruto-sensei, have you ever been to Nami before?" He was pretty sure that was Sayuri, but he'd lost track of which was which when he was held back dealing with the lipstick transfer. Silently cursing the fact, yet again, he decided to not answer by name.

"Yea Kisame and I had to go through Nami in order to get to Tori no Kuni when we were getting Kubikiribōchō from Zabuza" he replied, holding up his right hand to show the intricate sealing array he'd tattooed into his palm that housed his sword. It was much more convenient to carry this way, he didn't need the strength or endurance training that would come from him lugging around a huge piece of tempered Mizu no Kuni steel all day every day. Finally getting fed up with it catching on every doorframe, tree and errant child he walked by in his everyday life he'd inked the containment seal into his palm just after his fifteenth birthday.

"So" Tekkai began "Raiga huh? You think you can take him, Sensei?" All this did was generate a laugh from Naruto, as if there was anyone he _couldn't_ take on.

"Yea, Raiga was talented but he's not the best to ever use the Kiba, not to mention one of my affinities completely negates their special ability" he said, forming a blade of wind around his fist for emphasis.

"When do we get to start Elemental training Naruto-sensei?" Sayuri asked with a pout, he _knew_ it was Sayuri because she liked to pout and show off her lips more than Sakiko did.

"Eh, let's see how well you three do in the Chūnin Exams and I'll think about starting you on it" Naruto casually evaded. Training your element could be exceptionally dangerous, the only reason he was allowed to do so at such a young age was because of his insane regeneration thanks to the Kyūbi. "You two are going to have to learn more about healing before I'd feel safe letting you three start, especially if any of you turn out to have a wind affinity, the only reason I still have my thumb and not a stub is thanks to the Kyūbi."

The color draining from their faces showed that that was enough to discourage them and bring a savage grin to Naruto's face. He may adhere to some of his Sensei's more brutal training practices, but he knew that his students didn't have the same advantages that he himself did. Sayuri even forgot to pout at being caught out as Sayuri.

"Sensei, is this the place?" Tekkai asked, bringing them all up short. In front of them was a modest house with a pier next to it, inside there were lights on on the ground floor and they could hear voices coming out of the open doorway. The sudden scream and yell of "if you touch him I'll bite my tongue off!" brought all four of them to complete combat readiness. Out of the door two thuggish looking men were dragging an attractive blue haired woman that couldn't be more than thirty, following behind with a furious scowl on his face and a kitchen knife in hand was a child that conversely couldn't be more than ten.

"Tekkai, kill them" was all Naruto had to say before his male student disappeared from his side in a Kawarimi no Jutsu and the young mother appeared in his place. "Sayuri, Sakiko, tend to her" was his next order; both girls quickly moved to her side and began scanning her with their respective medical techniques. Looking back towards the pier he just caught the end of his male student's fight as two kunai were plunged into the back of each man's head, severing their spines and brain stem in one stroke. Nodding at Tekkai in approval of the quick, clean kills he walked over and lugged them both up over his shoulders before walking onto dry land and throwing them down a ways away from the house, before incinerating them with a Karyū Endan.

Looking back over at Tekkai, who had just finished washing the blood off of his knives in the ocean, he motioned with his eyes to the, apparently, traumatized kid. Nodding in acceptance of the silent order the older boy turned to the younger and, with a touch to the shoulder, knocked him out of his daze and began conversing with him. Kneeling down in front of the now calm but still shaking woman Naruto caught her gaze with his piercing blue eyes.

"Ma'am, I need to know where Tazuna is."

"W-wh-why? You guys just killed those men, what do you want with my Grandfather?"

"We've been sent from Mist to reopen old trade routes, your Grandfather was our suggested contact in Wave, and if he is in any danger I need to know immediately so I can go get him out of it."

"He went to the bridge this morning; the Konoha team he hired to protect him all went with him."

Nodding his head Naruto spoke up so all his students could hear him "you three will stay here and guard these two, no one gets in the house without me clearing them, is that understood?" The three loud and firm "Hai Sensei" he received made him nod and turn back to the woman who had finally stood up with the support of the twins. "Which way is the bridge?" following her pointing finger Naruto nodded and with a quick "Arigato" disappeared in a blur of Shunshin.

"Come on, let's get you inside and a blanket around you, we don't need you going into shock" the twin on her left said in a surprisingly calm and comforting voice, Tsunami nodded and let them lead her back inside, Tekkai closed the door behind them and then disappeared to a hidden observation point to act as lookout on the approaches to the house. His sisters could handle the kid and mother; they were trained for this sort of thing.

* * *

Appearing on the mist-shrouded bridge from his high speed movement, Naruto used his senses to take in the situation. Seven Chakra signatures were present, three Genin, two Chūnin, two Jōnin and one civilian. Briefly utilizing his water affinity he condensed the mist and sent it over the bridge back into the ocean it came from and visually took in the scene. One old man with a pink haired female Genin guarding him, two Kiri Nukenin that he was positive were the Demon Brothers fighting two boys that looked startlingly similar, one with his hair cut like a duck's back end and the other with a half shirt. Looking over at the Jōnin he immediately recognized both of them, Sharingan no Kakashi and Kurosuki Raiga, Elite Jōnin of Konoha and Nukenin of Kirigakure respectively. All of this taken in with the speed of someone that was used to assessing situations in only a few seconds, Naruto noticed Raiga adapting to the loss of the mist and going in for a kill on the old man and pink haired Genin.

Acting almost on instinct Naruto used Shunshin again while simultaneously unsealing Kubikiribōchō from its tattoo on his palm, the handle fitting nicely into place automatically without him even having to adjust his grip. Quickly channeling his other affinity through the extensive seal network that now covered the blade he coated it in wind Chakra before slamming it into the ground in front of the screaming Genin, with a resounding clang the Kiba were stopped dead, the lightning Chakra that had been running through them canceled out by the wind Chakra on the monstrous sword, and the bare metal of the blades having no chance of cutting through the tempered steel that made up Kubikiribōchō.

Everyone on the bridge stopped and stared at the Nin that had appeared out of apparently nowhere. A tall, well muscled blonde wearing the mottled brown and green camouflage that had become the standard Kiri uniform top and navy blue pants, what appeared to be modified Tabi made out of Shinobi cloth with leather soles and steel caps on the toes was, what appeared to be to Kakashi, a Kiri Jōnin. Looking at the face he couldn't hold back the gasp that came out "Naruto".

Naruto looked around, ignoring Kakashi for the moment. Noticing that the two boys had finished tying up the Demon Brothers who, in their distracted state they had knocked out, much to his approval, he locked eyes with the Nukenin on the other side of his sword.

"Kurosuki Raiga, the time has come for you to either face your execution like a man, or return to Kiri's embrace as the loyal son that you once were."

* * *

Raiga could have cursed when Kubikiribōchō appeared in front of him, he knew he could cut through the sword, the Kiba had cut through steel before, but the seals on it were new to him. Deciding trying couldn't hurt he swing the Kiba forward and was understandably startled when wind Chakra manifested around the massive sword, completely neutralizing his swords' special abilities. Looking up, expecting to see his old colleague Zabuza standing behind the blade he was, again, startled when he locked eyes with not the black he was expecting but a blue as clear as the sky above. He instantly shivered when he noticed an edge as keen and cold as the steel of the sword their owner was wielding registered in their depths.

"Kurosuki Raiga, the time has come for you to either face your execution like a man, or return to Kiri's embrace as the loyal son you once were."

Well. Shit.

* * *

Naruto registered what was going to happen even before it happened, the eyes of people that were scared shitless were such a good give away, after all. Sealing Kubikiribōchō back into his palm without even having to move, he quickly formed two blades of wind on each hand and, carefully avoiding the Kiba that he'd come to retrieve at all costs, cut Raiga's hands off at the wrists. Swiftly following up on these brutal moves that, to his amusement, made the girl behind him gag; he sliced through Raiga's neck before sealing the head into his left hand palm. Running through the seals for a Karyū Endan for the second time that day, he incinerated the body before it hit the bridge. Smiling to himself he pried Raiga's twitching hand from around the handles of the swords before tossing the aforementioned body parts over the edge of the bridge. Finally he turned his attention to the quartet of stunned Konoha Nin.

"Greetings Konoha Ninja! I'd ask you what brought you to these parts but this gentleman's granddaughter already explained it to me" Naruto said, hiking a thumb at the stunned Tazuna.

Snapping out of his stupor, Kakashi regarded the young man in front of him, he knew him, and the fact that he hadn't seen him in twelve years was irrelevant. "Naruto, is that you?"

Looking at the famous Nin in front of him Naruto scrunched his eyes up in concentration before smiling brightly "Inu-san! I'd recognize that hair anywhere!" he said, launching forward and picking the surprised Kakashi up in a bear hug "how have you been Inu-san?" He asked after setting the former ANBU back down on the bridge.

"Ah, I've been fine Naruto; we were all worried about you until Jiraiya-sama brought back word of you having ended up a Shinobi of Kiri." By "we" he meant Naruto's old ANBU guards, but the Genin didn't need to know this.

"Ah Kakashi-san, you needn't have worried about me, I found a great Sensei, I won't call him a father-figure though, because that would be an insult to fathers everywhere."

"Zabuza?" Kakashi asked, slightly shocked.

"Nah, Hoshigaki Kisame."

Kakashi blanched.

"Well, I hope you turned out okay."

"Oh, yea! I'm doing great, got a girlfriend and everything. Jiraiya even stops by every once in a while to chat and spar" Naruto told him, completely ignoring the Jōnin's look of astonishment and slight awe at him casually talking about sparring with the strongest of the Sannin. "So! Old guy! We were sent by the Mizukage to reestablish trade relations with Nami no Kuni and you are our recommended contact. Oh yea, any idea where this Gato guy is? I'm supposed to kill him."

Tazuna and company just gaped at the young man in front of him, he wouldn't be afraid to admit that after seeing him so casually execute the Nukenin that was giving the Konoha Jōnin so much trouble he was a little afraid of him. "Uh, yea, he has a mansion a little bit outside the port town, it used to belong to the Daimyo."

"Great! I saw what he'd done to the place on my way through town to the bridge and it wasn't pretty, and the Mizukage gave me permission to perform an assassination on him at my discretion if I felt it was necessary, and I believe it is. So, he'll be dead by the end of the week!" The fact that Naruto told him this all with a happy smile on his face freaked him out just that much more.

"Who are you?"

Naruto jumped a little as if startled and looked at the black haired twelve year old now standing next to Kakashi, the one with the duck hair. "Didn't your parents ever tell you that it's rude to interrupt a conversation that adults are having?" Naruto chided with a wagging finger. The kid responded by baring his teeth in an enraged snarl and activating his Sharingan, Kakashi quickly held him back to stop an international incident. "Oooh, hey, an Uchiha, I thought they were all dead."

"I'm the last of them" Sasuke managed to grind out.

"Oh wow, so Itachi killed everyone except you?" at Sasuke's terse enraged nod, and Naruto idly marveled at the kid's ability to add an emotion like rage to a nod, Naruto idly stroked his chin for a second before brightening up again "Well, sucks for you!"

Sasuke promptly entered happy dreamland courtesy of Kakashi's well placed jab at select pressure points to prevent his student from assaulting a foreign Shinobi.

"Ex-excuse me, Naruto-san" a quiet voice started off to his left, looking over Naruto registered the pink haired Genin as the originator, giving her a nod he signaled she had his attention "but, you said "We", where's the rest of your squad?"

"Oh! Yea, they're guarding his Granddaughter and Grandson back at the house; we caught a couple of unruly looking gentleman dragging her off." Naruto informed her, Tazuna behind him gave a start and looked like he was about to bolt back to the house before Naruto spoke up again "they're dead".

"So, Tsunami-chan is safe?"

Inferring that that was the woman's name, on further reflection he probably should have asked her what it was, Naruto gave the man a reassuring nod "yea, two of my Genin are aspiring medic nin, while Sakiko may be a bit more into poisons than may be healthy Sayuri is more focused on healing so she and your Grandson are in good hands, their brother should be on guard duty."

After hearing the bit about poisons Tazuna looked even more ready to bolt but the noise of a large crowd from the other side of the almost complete bridge caught all of the Nin's attention. What appeared at first to Naruto to be a midget in a suit, which he belatedly realized was just an exceedingly short man and not someone suffering from dwarfism, was leading a group of unwashed, not to mention angry, looking mercenaries towards them.

"Hah!" the short guy started "so Raiga wasn't nearly up to the task of killing the old guy was he? Just as well that I didn't intend to pay him anyway" he finished with a, in Naruto's opinion, amateurish sneer.

"Oh! Hey, you wouldn't happen to be Gato, would you?" Naruto asked.

"What about it Kid? Unless you want a job or you're offering time with that whore Mizukage I don't have anything to say to you, get out of here unless you want to be killed like the rest of these wretches."

Now, Naruto may have been willing to kill him clean like he had been taught, after all it was just another job and he was a professional, taught by a professional from a very early age to be a professional killer. The jab at Mei, however, snapped any patience he may have had with the man.

An aura of what the conscious Konoha Shinobi could later only describe as pure dread and terror mixed with the most bloodlust that any of them, even Kakashi, had ever felt and ever would feel slammed over the bridge. Some of the mercenaries in Gato's ad-hoc army retched and fell to their knees vomiting; others managed to keep to their feet but it was easy to see to anyone looking that they had soiled themselves. Looking back at Naruto Kakashi saw, much to his horror that the Blonde's iris had gone a sinister red and his pupils had contracted into slits, but his face was completely still and emotionless. Grabbing Sasuke he hurried over to Sakura and herded both her and Tazuna, who looked like he might have had a minor heart attack, behind Naruto next to Sai, and coincidentally out of the line of fire.

Naruto calmly walked forward, tossing blades of wind at the thugs that he passed as he walked through their paralyzed ranks until he stood right in front of Gato. Looking down at the terrified man the aura of fear and despair promptly vanished, which snapped the short man out of his stupor. It also coincidentally allowed him to glance around and see the dismembered and disemboweled men that he'd hired littering the bridge around him.

"I was going to grant you a clean death, Gato-san" Naruto started in a calm, almost conversational tone, causing Gato to crane his head to look up at the tall blonde "but then in your infinite ignorance you went and insulted Mizukage-sama" he continued, reaching out and straightening the short man's suit lapels in a not quite but almost friendly manner. "Now I'm afraid" Naruto continued in the same tone of voice "that your death will be anything, but clean, and far from painless. I am a consummate professional when it comes to killing, Gato-san" the absolute sincerity in the whiskered Blonde's tone was actually starting to scare him more than whatever it was he'd done earlier, "until I am pushed, and you know what Gato-san?" Gato found himself shaking his head that no, he did not in fact know. Naruto leaned down so his mouth was next to the wana-be gangster's ear "you just pushed me".

Three Kage Bunshin appeared out of nowhere and grabbed Gato before disappearing in a simultaneous Shunshin to parts unknown to anyone but Naruto. The fact that painful, horrified screams started to drift across the ocean not too long after went completely ignored by the Blonde Maelstrom. The other conscious people on the bridge got a distinct green tint to their faces.

Turning around he looked at the dismembered thugs littering the bridge around him "Oh! Dear me, look at what I did to your beautiful bridge Tazuna-san! I apologize; I'll fix it right up." Channeling chakra Naruto called upon his, in Kisame's words "freakish" Water affinity and washed the bridge clean around him, coincidentally sinking the boats that the impromptu army had used to get on the bridge in the first place. "So! Tazuna-san, shall we retire to your place? We don't want to worry your lovely Granddaughter any more than she already has, do we?"

Tazuna found himself nodding in agreement. In truth he was completely terrified of the young man in front of him to do much more.

* * *

Knocking briskly on the door to Tazuna's house, Naruto smiled at the twin that opened it and promptly cursed at himself for not knowing which one it was. "Hey Sakiko-chan!" he sighed internally as a radiant smile lit up her face, and then cried a little as he knew that even if it was Sayuri she'd act like Sakiko just to annoy him "I found Tazuna-san and the Konoha-nin that he hired to protect him."

Smiling up at one of her crushes, the maybe Sakiko stepped out of the doorway and opened it wide to let the troupe in, including the tied up and unconscious Demon Brothers. "I take it that Raiga-san didn't come quietly?"

In response Naruto twirled the Kiba around in his right hand before whipping out a scroll and sealing them into it for safe keeping. "Nope! I think they're going to go to Haku-chan, he can't keep using ice swords for forever and they'd go well with his water affinity. Anyway! This is Kakashi-san and his cute little Genin, you're all about the same age, go mingle and have fun, I need to interrogate these two and see if they're willing to come back to Kiri, if not they gotta die."

The fact that he said this in such a chipper tone and with such a blasé attitude sent shivers down Sakura and Sasuke's spine, while Sai just continued to smile blandly.

"Kakashi-san, would you care to join me for this?"

"Ah" Kakashi looked over at his Genin and the two identical girls sitting with Tsunami and her Grandson, the two unknowns smiled charmingly at him and he smiled back "sure, it shouldn't take all that long anyway."

"Great! Let's see if we can get what we need without breaking anything."

With that the two Jōnin walked back outside, each carrying one of the unconscious charges in a fireman's carry.

"So, I'm Toshiaki Sakiko."

"And I'm Toshiaki Sayuri."

"Our brother, Tekkai, should be outside on lookout duty, you'll meet him later I guess."

"Ah, it's nice to meet you Sayuri-san, Sakiko-san, my name is Haruno Sakura."

"Uchiha Sasuke" Sasuke grunted, before brushing past them and sitting down at the table before starting to brood.

"Sai" was all the third Genin said, his bland smile not moving an inch.

Neither of the sisters had missed the adoring looks that Sakura was sending the last Uchiha, and with identical smirks sent back at each other, they promptly took the seats on either side of him, grinning even more and the growl of irritation from the pink haired girl.

"So, Uchiha huh?" Sayuri purred, laying a flirtatious hand on the boy's thigh.

"We've heard _so_ much about your clan" Sakiko echoed from the left side, placing her own hand on the boy's other thigh.

"Why don't we three get together later and, _talk_, Sasuke-kun?"

Neither of them missed the tinges of pink that were starting to appear on the black haired boy's face.

* * *

"So, you two left with Zabuza-san?" Naruto asked, he'd already known this but establishing facts always helped, and the fact that they hadn't started breaking bones yet would hopefully encourage the two to talk freely.

"Hai" Gōzu replied, apparently he was the spokesperson for the brothers "we were on a solo assassination mission when word reached us of Zabuza's death. It would appear that you inherited Kubikiribōchō."

"Yep! I needed a sword and Kisame, he raised me, couldn't think of a better one than that, so now it's mine" Kakashi was actually starting to warm up to Naruto a bit, sure he seemed to have his, ahem, quirks, but then all nin that reached the rank of Jōnin developed them eventually, the ones that didn't generally snapped.

"So, our choices are to either return to Kiri and serve the new Mizukage or die here?"

"That about sums it up boys, if you chose to die I promise I'll be quick and clean."

"Well, at least you're professional" Gōzu replied, he looked over at his brother and shared one of those silent conversations that Naruto was used to twins having. Looking back at the Blonde in front of him, Gōzu nodded his head "we'll go back, the only reason we helped Zabuza with his assassination attempt was because Yagura had a friend of ours killed, he's dead now so there's no reason to stay away."

"Great, I was really getting tired of having to kill people today, so you guys think you can make it back on your own?"

Meizu spoke up for the first time "I'm pretty sure we can remember the way back to the land that birthed us."

"Okay, that's good; I need to go to Konoha next anyway to meet up with the Mizukage and Haku-chan for the treaty negotiations and get my kids signed in for the Chūnin Exam anyway, so I don't have time to baby sit you two" Naruto ignored the angry growl from Meizu at him insinuating they'd need a baby sitter.

Cutting the wires that had been used to bind the two, Naruto helped them to their feet and gave the traditional Kiri salute, which to his surprise they returned, before handing them both unmarked Mist headbands to replace their scarred ones. "You'll need these to get through security; some new measures have been put in place since the rebellion succeeded."

"Thank you, Naruto-san. We'll make all haste back to Kiri."

Watching as the brothers moved off into the forest in the general direction of Kiri, Kakashi turned to Naruto and voiced his question "So, why was I here? You handled that perfectly well."

"True" Naruto smiled at him "but kids tend to get over the awkward introduction phases so much faster if there aren't adults hovering over their shoulders."

Kakashi looked at Naruto for a second before looking back at the house, in time to see the boy he assumed was Tekkai walk in the door, before walking towards the house. "You don't know my Genin" he said to Naruto, who was keeping up with him no problem "Sasuke is an anti-social arrogant recluse, Sakura is a rabid fan girl that may attempt to mutilate your girls if they so much as look at him in a suggestive manner and Sai is an emotionally inept plant from the Village elders."

"Hmmm, and Sayuri and Sakiko are training in medical and seduction techniques. You know, we may want to walk in a rather hurried fashion" Naruto said as he picked up his pace into a jog, Kakashi following suit.

* * *

Bursting into the house, both Naruto and Kakashi were both a little shocked and very relieved to note that there weren't any blood stains anywhere. But Naruto did notice with amusement both Sakiko's and Sayuri's unnaturally close positions to the Uchiha boy, and the ever increasing rage on Sakura's visage.

"Sayuri, Sakiko, stop trying to seduce Sasuke-chan, the village doesn't have a bounty on Uchiha sperm currently. Not to mention everyone is a little leery of that bloodline ever since his brother went psycho and killed the rest of them" Naruto admonished his Genin, showing Sasuke that he'd known _exactly_ who he was ever since he saw him. As well as pissing him off with the second casual reference to his clan's death that day.

The twins just pouted and moved away from Sasuke to sit on either side of their brother on the couch. Sakura took this opportunity to glue herself to Sasuke's side in order to "reassure" him that she still loved him and she wouldn't let those two sluts near him again.

Sayuri and Sakiko just got amused smile on their face at her actions.

Kakashi raised his eyebrow at Naruto, who shrugged and scratched the back of his neck sheepishly while smiling at his opposite number. "I can never control those two, it's like they have minds of their own."

Kakashi just snickered from behind his Icha-Icha book while he took a seat at the table.

"Don't worry, Sensei, we haven't given up on a foursome with you and your girlfriend yet."

"Yea! I personally can't wait to get my hands on you two; she has the most amazing body I've ever seen!"

Kakashi let out a perverted giggle this time.

Naruto just laughed at Sakura's scandalized face.

* * *

Naruto and his team all stood outside the visitor's entrance, the exceptionally large gates that were generally open during the day for animal drawn carts to get in through. The small side entrance for Konoha Shinobi that Kakashi and his team had used was, unfortunately, for Konoha Nin only. So they had to wait.

The journey had been fast, the fact that they didn't have to escort and civilians back to Konoha meant that they could travel at a comfortable pace for Shinobi. The two Jōnin had decided that travelling together would be a good idea, any roaming Nukenin would think three or four times before attacking two Jōnin and six Genin, especially since one of those Jōnin was Sharingan no Kakashi and the other had exceedingly complex Fuinjutsu arrays traveling up both of his arms. Looking back at his Genin, he couldn't help but snicker at the antics of his two female students over the trip to Konoha. Realizing back in Tazuna's house that Sakura's infatuation with the Uchiha went _way_ beyond that of a normal crush, they'd taken it upon themselves to hit on him in outrageously obvious ways as often as possible, even going as far as proposing a threesome more than five times, at least.

He couldn't really blame them; they were training to work together as a seduction and assassination team, much like the Demon Brothers only much more insidious. Not many straight Shinobi would turn down a threesome with twins. No civilian that he'd heard of would either, and they were oh so much easier to kill than Ninja.

Stepping up to the check in booth he presented his official papers to the Chūnin manning it and announced them "Jōnin Uzumaki Naruto along with Genin Toshiaki Sayuri, Sakiko and Tekkai here for both the Chūnin Exams and to provide escort for Mizukage-sama during her treaty negotiations."

Both of them scrutinized the papers before looking at all of them, back and forth from their IDs to their faces to check for any imperfections in the real article from the photo ID, before finally nodding their heads and handing them back to Naruto, who made them disappear into one of the many storage seals on his person.

"You're free to go in, the Mizukage came through earlier today and said she'd be starting negotiations around noon, she and her party are staying in the Dancing Leaf Hotel, it's in the market district with the, I'm sure you can find them either there or at the Hokage tower."

"Thanks guys. Come on you three, we'll get you guys rooms and get you settled in while I go find Mei-sama and report the success of our mission."

There were three "Hai Sensei" to this pseudo-order and they followed their teacher into the village and towards the market district.

Behind him Naruto faintly heard one of the Chūnin "Wait, his name was _Uzumaki Naruto_? Shit man, I thought he was dead!" before they moved out of earshot.

* * *

Walking into the Hokage tower, Naruto looked around to acquaint himself with the ground floor layout before following the directions to the waiting room for meetings with the Hokage. Inside he found not only Terumi Mei and Yuki Haku, but also Kakashi and his team waiting to report in. Normally they wouldn't have to do this but thanks to the extraordinary circumstances on their mission it required a personal touch from the Hokage.

Prioritizing himself, Naruto walked over to stand in front of Mei before going down on one knee as public decorum demanded. "Jōnin Uzumaki Naruto reporting in after a successful mission to reestablish contact with the country of Nami no Kuni, Mizukage-sama."

Mei smiled indulgently at him before standing up and getting in the formal pose herself, settling her robes and hat of office around her shoulders as she did so. "I hear you and acknowledge your successful mission, Jōnin Uzumaki Naruto."

Bounding up in a burst of energy that Kakashi was starting to re-associate with the Blonde, Naruto gave Mei a big smile and held up a small sealing scroll. "The Kiba, as ordered, we also ran into the Demon Brothers that left with Zabuza after his failed assassination attempt on the Yondaime Mizukage and have sent them on their way back to Kiri, they have the new headbands to get through the security check."

Taking the scroll Mei gave Naruto a gentle smile "wonderful job as always, Naruto-kun" she told him, secreting the scroll away before grabbing his face and stepping forward.

Kakashi instantly knew that Naruto and the Mizukage were friends, just from their initial interaction with each other, the trained eye picked out the small things that neither of them or the Mizukage's guard bothered to hide. What he did not expect was for the gorgeous redhead to step forward and give the blonde a kiss that _he_ could almost feel, such was its intensity. Looking over at his students Sakura, as expected had a radiant blush on her face and had turned away in embarrassment, but was sneaking little looks out of the corner of her eye. The surprise was Sasuke, who up until now had showed absolutely no interest in girls actually had a small blush on his face as the Mizukage robes had come open during the vigorous kiss, revealing a skimpy blue dress/mesh shirt combo that showed off immense amounts of cleavage, along with the tight black spandex shorts coming half way down her thighs that formed to her long legs like a second skin.

A cough interrupted the two lovers.

"As amusing as this is, Mizukage-sama, I would love for us to be able to get to our meeting now." Sarutobi Hiruzen stood off to the side; the Mizukage blushed prettily before adjusting her robes back into place and putting her hat back on her head. Turning to Naruto she let out a little laugh and took a handkerchief out of his back pocket and proceeded to wipe blue lipstick off of his mouth.

Turning to the elderly Kage standing at the double door entrance to his office, Naruto gave a respectful bow "it does me good to see you again, Hokage-sama, I hope these past years have treated you well."

"Well enough, Naruto-kun, how about you three come inside and we can get our meeting under way?"

Mei spoke up this time "Hai Hokage-sama" and the three proceeded to follow the Hokage back into his office.

Naruto lagged behind for a second and turned to Kakashi to give him a loud High Five, before following Haku and the Mizukage into the office with a perverted giggle chasing him.

"So, Haku-chan, it seems you got Mei-chan here in one piece, I'm proud of you."

"If you don't cease calling me that I will not be responsible for my actions, Naruto-kun."

"If you don't cease dressing in Kimonos I won't be responsible for what I call you, Haku-chan."

The doors closed cutting off Haku's exasperated sigh half way through.

* * *

Fuck damn, that was long for me. I actually just belted this out in one afternoon, my hands are starting to cramp up. I'm actually happy with where this is going, and since no-one has approached me about continuing it themselves, I might have to do it on my own. I hope I've been keeping Naruto's personality consistent enough for everyone to be happy with, I actually found myself stopping and going back over what I'd just written to make sure it didn't sound weird coming from him. Anyway, let me know what you think, I'll go shoot people in Bad Company 2 and ponder on making this a dedicated fic.

Edit: Did a one letter edit, cut the "I" off of Mei once.


	18. Plausible Deniability

Disclaimer: I own none of the Intellectual Properties represented in this collection of ramblings.

AN: Everyone is guilty of the Evil Danzō stereotype, even me. But I got to thinking not too long ago that; he couldn't have been all bad.

Plausible Deniability

* * *

Tsunade tried to control her temper as that old bastard Shimura Danzō hobbled into her office. She had found the files, probably wasn't supposed to seeing how well hidden they were. But when the Hokage finds papers documenting something as serious as treason, it wasn't taken lightly. The only reason she hadn't put out an arrest warrant for the man was because he was a respected village elder and veteran ninja. She'd hear him out.

"Tsunade-hime, you called for me?"

"Yes, Danzō-san, I was hoping that you would be able to shed some light on this file that I found" Tsunade started, tossing the old man a manila folder which he deftly snatched from the air. "It seems to me," Tsunade continued, not looking up from her paper work "that you kept the ROOT ANBU running clandestinely even after Sarutobi-sensei ordered you to shut it down. That's treason."

Danzō didn't even bother to look at the file, he knew what it contained and even had it planted so that Tsunade would find it after rearranging the Hokage's office after Konohamaru tore it apart in his efforts to keep the Godaime out.

He took a moment to formulate his reply and made a discrete hand motion. Both of Tsunade's hidden ANBU guards promptly left the office through covert means, causing the new Godaime to look up in alarm.

"Tsunade-hime, of course ROOT is still running, and of course Hiruzen-kun told me to shut it down publically. We're ninja, Tsunade-hime, and as the Hokage you better start thinking like a ninja again before something happens that thinking like a medic during it will get people killed."

Tsunade was still slightly shocked that her ANBU guards obeyed Danzō's instructions and the genuine affection she heard in his voice when talking about the Sandaime before her eyes narrowed dangerously "did you just threaten me?" she hissed out.

Danzō scoffed "of course not, Tsunade-hime, it was a warning. Thinking like a field medic will get good ninja killed for no reason at all; you need to start thinking like a Hokage. The most powerful ninja in the village cannot be burdened by the same worries that a medic in the field would. As much as it will hurt, you must be willing to send friends, even loved ones, on dangerous missions. There is a reason that Sarutobi Hiruzen is considered the greatest Hokage that the Leaf has ever had. He sacrificed more than you could ever possibly imagine keeping this village safe, he sacrificed almost all of his friendships. He sacrificed _me_, Tsunade-hime. A sacrifice I gladly took upon myself. Of course ROOT is active. And of course I'm in charge of it. That's what I am, Tsunade-hime, I am the fall man. I am the scapegoat. I am the sacrificial lamb. If any of Konoha's more clandestine activities are traced back to us, I am to be put to death, and it is a death I will gladly accept, because I will go to the executioner's block knowing that I have kept the great tree safe for another day. Think on that, Tsunade-hime, and think on what you must do as Hokage."

His part said, Danzō got to his feet and left the office, Tsunade's ANBU guards returning to their posts the moment the doors clicked shut. The Hokage was so surprised and, even if she didn't want to admit it, moved by the old man's dedication to Konoha, that she didn't even notice when she finished her work for the day. She just kept thinking on what Danzō said, and what it would really mean for her to be Hokage.

* * *

AN: I _know_ in Canon Danzo is an evil asshole, but I blame that on Kishimoto's bad storytelling more than anything.


End file.
